i hate the fact that youre not here. you should sit by my side right now and hold me. you always knew the right thing to say. you always knew how to make me smile. well i need you right now. i know i dont say that very often. maybe i should. but i woke up this morning missing you. you are my best friend. my closest lover. and youre not here when i really need you. so i decided to pretend and write to you.

im flying tomorrow. leaving india. leaving him. and i dont want to leave. why do i always leave? well i was thinking about it last night and woke up with that same thought this morning. if youll be here next to me you might say that he is not the right guy for me. that im not ready. that its not the right time in my life right now to commit. youre right. really you are. but there is more. there is something else that stops me every time from going all the way. and its not what my mind tells me. you wanna know what it is? its simple really. in one word, fear.

im sure you want to know how can a girl like me still get scared. well i gotta tell you, not many things scare me. im scared of the dark did i tell you that? and im scared of bugs. the big ones but i think you knew that already. and im scared of love. i want it but only when i can control it and leave it when the time is right. any other type of love i cant handle.

as you know i like to be in control of my own life. fear has no place in my life. so i need to get over it. im working on my fear from darkness. i didnt take my flashlight with me this time and i think its getting better. if i walk alone in the dark i found that singing to myself really helps.

bugs. oy thats a big problem. last bug i had in my appartment got my house key and the whole house to himself. now on the train to goa i had bugs all over my bed. ok i freaked out a little but after a few hours and lots of yaniv ( card game ) i relaxed and went to sleep. knowing that they are walking all over me. so you see im getting better!

but love. thats a tricky one. first guy i left was baruch. he really loved me for years. and he was such a good guy. i remember all the excuses my mind told me. im too young. he is not right for me. he is too nice. it wont work we are too different. you know the regular bullshit we tell ourselves till we really believe it.

then i believe it was itamar. another great guy and i really liked him. but nope. i was travelling. i was too young. he was really honest about the way he felt and that scared me even more. we only knew each other for a short time. and so on.

then it was david. ok you all know the story no point of saying it again. lets just say i left. in my mind i was too young. far away from home. no job. we were both too lost. can two wrongs make it right? he was in a cult. he stole my bag. and so on.

then it was keith. ok with this one i know i left for a good reason. we were not right for each other. really! no mind excuses. you gotta believe me.

then it was… david again. only he left this time. but if i’ll be honest with you he was just faster then me. we both knew it wont work. thats why i cant be mad at him cause i know how he feels.

now its you know who, we can call him R , who is a very nice guy. i really like him. i know he likes me. but oh wait it wont work. he is too young. lives in india. what does he know about love? so what if we get along great and have fun together? it wont work. plus i have a flight tomorrow. gotta fly! its booked!

ok so im going to be alone again in just a few hours. am i sad? yes and no. no because i know there will be someone else soon. and yes because i know i would leave again.

because youre my best friend and such a good listener btw, im gonna share something with you. im gonna tell you why im always leaving. im gonna tell you why i cant stop running away. its personal so keep it to yourself. its because its not real. when i was born i believed in love. i wanted it and i needed it. but then slowly people left me. first to leave was my dad. after him it was a snowball effect. they all left. they all loved me and yet they all had a great reason to leave me.

so people like us, who got left behind so many times, we get scared. even now when we are all grown up, we are scared. its more then just fear. we just cant do it. we can do it for a while. we can date. we can say i love you. we can even mean it sometimes. but its only a matter of time till that little voice inside tells us its time to move on. its time to run again. dont get too comfortable here. and then we collect a nice big pile of excuses to leave and do.

so i guess that in order to break this cycle i need to stay here with R, cancel my flight and tell him i love him. but of-course i wont. im going to be on that plane tomorrow. im gonna be looking out of my little window and smile. a relieved sad smile. then im gonna tell myself that with the next one i wont run. thats it. its a promise. promise my ass. i cant do it.

so now tell me, what do you think? got a good advice for me? uff i really need you right now. you would know the right thing to say. i miss you… 

i had a very emotional day yesterday. i was explained for the first time how important is to forgive others. on so many levels. to be honest with you, i thought i did already forgive everyone, but i was wrong. last night i took some time for myself. i was alone with my thoughts. i thought of all the people that hurt once before. some of these people are still very much in my life, others are not.  but thats not the point. we all met for a reason. and i remember all of them because they made in impact on my life.  after 4 hours alone in my room thinking about the past i was ready to let it all go. and this is why im writing this today.  lets start.

first place goes to my dad. you were the first to introduce me with pain. you hurt me time and time again and shaped the person i am today. you left me. you never looked back. for 21 years of my life i was in the dark, asking myself why. thinking its my fault. im done. i dont hate you. im not angry. no more pain. its in the past. I FORGIVE YOU.

second place goes to my mom. you made me unhappy for years. you made me feel im not good enough. you made me feel im not beautiful. you told me to stay away from my dad. you showed my how alone can one person really be. you never really cared. you never really loved. you used a lot of guilt to get your way. its done. its in the past. I FORGIVE YOU.

third place goes to me. i hurt myself so many times already. hurt my body. hurt my soul. i dated men that werent good for me. i listened to the wrong people. i was lazy. i was weak. i was scared. i was a sheep. its in the past.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.

well these are the ones that are still in my life.

L- you really hurt me when i was 19 years old. you used your power and used me. that was wrong. i had no way out. you were stronger. im ready to let go. i forgive you.

E- wow such a long time ago and i still remember it. you told so many lies about me. we were so young. i still dont know why you did it. but its time to let it go. i forgive you.

S- you said youll always be there for me. always. i was a child. i believed you. you left when i was 8 years old. you were my last straw. i stopped trusting people because of that. it was a good lesson to learn. its in the past. i forgive you.

D- you broke my heart. you made me believe again. you took it away with no explanation. i had a few good memories and you stole them from me. you left me with nothing. but now i found what i was looking for. im ok. its in the past. i forgive you.

i think im done here.

to all the people i hurt in the past, i hope you will forgive me some day.

for a new beginning!

close you eyes. think of a problem you have. now open your eyes. is this problem from your past, present or future? most likely its from your past or future.

my teacher asked me that a while ago. everyone in class had some problem. i was the only black sheep. the only problem i had at the moment was my hair. there was no hot water in the morning ( its india it happends ) so i didnt wash my hair. oy the mess!!!

my teacher was surprised by my answer and laughted at me. he was looking for a real problem. i told him i have no problems. the past is gone and i learned from it and why think about the future?? wheres the fun in that? i live here. right now.

i have been throught a lot in my life already. i had my share of ups and downs. i had faith and lost it and found it again. i loved and got my heart broken like everyone else ( if youre lucky! ).

8 months ago i wanted to die. no joke. i really wanted to die. no because i was unhappy. well i was unhappy but that wasnt the reason. i simply had enough. i understood what life was all about. i got it. and i had enough. i didnt want to take a part of this game anymore.

that day, the day i wanted to die, was the best day of my life. no im not crazy. i needed that fall. it was the hardest fall of my life. i had no faith. no dreams. no love. no nothing. it was great. the best lesson god have ever showed me. i feel so greatfull.

no matter how stupid or blind i was, he never gave up on me. slowly he showed me my path again. i had to fall. a new person is growing now. i like this one. i can live with this one. i have a new dream. its a great one. ( sorry not sharing….)

its the holiday season. all over the world. some are happy. some are sad. some are alone.

for the happy ones i want to say happy holiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for the sad ones i want to say- life is too short for this crap.  go stand infront of a mirror and smile like an idiot for 10 minutes. stare at yourself. dont tell anyone youre doing this youre strange enough…. but trust me youll feel better!!

for all of you who feel alone- i want to say one thing.  we are never alone. maybe theres no one sharing your bed at night. maybe you eat breakfast on your own. maybe you work hard every day and go back to an empty house. maybe you got no one to say “i love you” and mean it. maybe no one knows who you really are. maybe you celebrate your birthday alone. maybe you have lots of people around you all day and you care about none of them.

we all felt that way before. and we will again. unless you realize something. realize that you and i are conected. ok maybe you dont know me. dont know my name. dont know how old i am. dont know where i live or which ice cream i love the most ( all of them!! ), but you know ME. my soul. you know i was born. you know i will die. you know i cry. you know i get scared. you know i fell in love. you know i lost. you know i worked. you know i bled. you know i sleep. you know i dream. you know everything there is to know about me that means something. same goes with my mom. you know my mom. you know my family. you know my friends. you know the whole world. we are all conected. you are never alone.

if all that didnt work and you still feel alone email me. lets talk. im a good listener. ok thats a lie. im a bad listener. but i can make you smile. and sometimes that all we need.

happy holidays!!!

for my family:

sorry i didnt write for a long time. india is wonderful!! im so happy to be here. my course is almost over and im leaving rishikesh in a week. going to agra next and then maybe goa. after that i dont know. should be home by april but dont count on it. i miss you! all my love. likush.

i cant tell you how much i wanted to disappear. be truly on my own. to be in a place where no one could reach me. this was my dream for a long long time. its not anymore. something changed. ive changed during these past 8 months. i have god to thank for that.

im in india at the moment, and im very much in love with this place. im alone here but dont feel alone for a second. god and i weren’t this close in years. so many things in my life make sense for the first time. im heading to Thailand in a few weeks. a new chapter in my life. im so happy. im so very much content.

i really see god in my life every day all day now. i was thinking a lot about my past. and i really believe that one of the main points in my life happened when i was 21 and met matt and david. they both showed me something beautiful and changed my life forever. i no longer talk to any of them but i have them both in my heart and will thank them forever. they will never know why and how they did it but now i see why i had to meet them both.

i feel less and less confused with each day that im here. i feel whole again. i feel like i finally have a goal in life. i have learned so much here about life, people and myself. from such a sad and alone child im growing to be a happy beautiful woman. i wish i had a way to make more people feel this way. so many of us are lost and alone and confused. instead of realizing that we are all really just one body and help each other more so we wont feel so alone, we push each other even more away from each other and feel even more alone.

for one minute i wish i had really really long arms so i could give you all a hug. since i cant do that use your imagination!

i love you all really. not sure who wished me happy chanuka but thanks!!!!!

happy chanuka everyone!!

i am eight years old today. my dad left the house a long time ago. its just me and my mom now. everything is different now. my world is not safe anymore. im going to school every day. i dont like it. i have a nice teacher and she is being very nice to me. my mom told her whats going on in my life and she feels sorry for me. i hate doing homework. i hate being in class. my mind wonders. he doesnt listen to me. he doest know time and space. he goes everywhere. he is truly free.

its time to go home now. im walking. its nice out. im taking my time. dont really feel like going to an empty house. but its a short walk and now im there. just as i remembered it, empty. i wash my hands. im making lunch. im done. now what? five more hours to be alone. im going downstairs to play with the street cats. i like them all but there is one i really love. her name is mitsi. she is black and white. we get each other. she cares about me. i can feel it. i sit on the ground and talk to her for hours. she listens to every word i say. then it gets dark. a little cold. i say good night to mitsi and go home. i forgot how empty it was. two more hours and my mom is coming back. i cant wait. i dont know why i want her here, she never cares. all she wants to know is how was my day at school. and if im done with my homework. she doesnt care about my long talk with mitsi. or how empty this house feels to me. or how much i miss my dad.

i made it. she is back. she asked me if i ate. i say yes. and yes to the homework question. and yes, i had a nice day at school today mom. wanna hear about mitsi? why not?? she is all i’ve got!! she is my friend. you should care. its pointless i know. im taking a shower. taking a book and going to bed. i love this book. its about this kid with red hair that feels different from everyone else. i know the feeling im trying to tell him. yeah, i like that book. i read it so many times already.  oh man my mom just tured off the lights. its bed time she says. i told her so many times i have to finish my book. she doesnt read. she doesnt know. i got my flashlight under my pillow. i finish my book. im going to sleep.

i wake up in the morning. the pigeons woke me up again. im staring at the wall. not getting out of bed yet. im trying to understand whats the point of doing this one day over and over again. i mean today is going to be just like yesterday. and tomorrow is going to be just the same as today. is this life? it this it?? i get out of bed. i brush my teeth. wash my face. get dressed. locking the door and going to school. its a nice day out. mitsi is no here. i cant find her. but i know she will be waiting for me when i get back. another boring day at school. in my mind i was flying far away. just opened the window and flew away. what a great feeling. the wind is playing with me. from up here my school looks like a little toy.  i dont know where to fly. all i know is my neighborhood. im tired of flying and going back to school. what choice do i have? the teacher is still talking!! why do people talk so much? what is she talking about? why cant i hear her? it it hebrew?? whats going on with the bell today?? taking it forever….. oh its about time.

walking home.  yep just as i thought, still empty. god i hate this place. doing my homework. making lunch. eating. how alone can one person be?? i cant hear mitsi. going to look for her. im walking around calling her. nothing. i cant believe she left me as well! why is everyone leaving me all the time? i remind myself that mitsi loves me and she wouldnt do that to me. i decide to keep looking. its night time. mom is back. im crying. for the first time she cares. we go out to look for her together. its 8pm. its late. its my book time. but mitsi is much more important then my book. and i know she would do the same for me. then one of my neighbours sees up and talks to my mom. i cant hear them but i know its not good. i can see my moms face changes. she grabs my hand and takes me home. i wanna know whats wrong. she doesnt say anything. so annoying. is it about my dad?? is he coming back? is it about mitsi? someone saw her? what is it? tell me im a big girl i can take it. when we get home we sit on the sofa and she tells me. the neigbour from the fourth floor gave mitsi some food today. poisoned food. she is dead. mitsi is gone. i dont understand. she explains it to me again. she made too much noise. he didnt like her. so he killed her. i couldnt move. i couldnt feel. i wasnt sad. i didnt care. and then something happened. something moved. inside me something moved. i heard a noise. my fucking heart just broke. i snapped. i left the apartment and went to that neighbour. i never yelled before. i never misbehaved before. i hated him. i hated everyone. why????? why did he do it? she was my friend. now im truly alone.

alone. 

people are only there for you when its convenient for them.  they can be great listeners. give you a wonderful advise. as long as its the right time for them to do so.

im a happy person. i enjoy my life. i have a great life. but every now and then i do need some extra attention. my boyfriend is a wonderful man. really he is. he is always there for me. he loves me too much really. im lucky to have him. but right now i feel sad. i feel alone. i need some love. a few nice words. 5 minutes of his time. but he’s at work. he cant be here for me now when i really need him. do i have the right to be pissed? i mean normal people have jobs. they are all slaves to the system.

dont you think that people should be more important then a job? is it just me? i know im impulsive, but if someone needs me im there no matter what. nothing can stop me. is it too much to expect the same from the ones you love?

now i listened to some music, cried for a minute or two and now i feel better. seems like the only person who is always there for me is me. can we trust other people to be there when we need them the most? if we cant, whats the point of having people around you?

i guess i ask for too much. he is there for me like 90% of the time. and i know he rather talk to me then do anything else. i guess i need to grow up a bit… just kidding. why would i do that for?

oh, to all of you who dont know whats going on in my life right now, well, not much really. we got a new dog. he is amazing! his name is Terri. im going to asia in 4 days. and after that i believe spain, but i cant plan too much ahead you know me.  my mom and my brother are doing so much better. and im doing great. im really happy.

sunshine, still reading your blog! love it!! thanks for reading. missed you too!!

i woke up this morning not knowing how my day’s gonna look like. my mom asked me to go with her to s.o.s and look for a dog. we went there and it was still early so we went to the local church there. it was beautiful. i couldnt walk in cause i had a short skirt on but i looked from the outside and had a few quiet moments to look at my life. and let me tell you something, its not a bad life. i feel like im on my way to become the person i want to be.  i felt happy.

then we went to see the dogs. after a few minutes a started crying. then we left. we decided to go to the beach. we walked for 20 minutes, was a beautiful day, then we got to a little restaurant and sat there, had breakfast.

yesterday my mom cried. its really hard for me to see her cry. we grew up together. we have gone through so much together. anyway, she had a bad day yesterday and in the evening she broke down and cried.

so today at the restaurant she started talking. its very hard for her to open up so when she does i feel very proud of her.

she told me she was drowning. she cant breath. she is 50 years old, with a little kid, no money or a job. she doesnt want any more men in her life cause they just use her. all she is is a pretty face. her soul is dead. she is empty. she fell hard and she cant stand on her own feet again.

my mom was always beautiful. i used to hate her for it when i was a kid. she always had a man in her life. two husbands. two kids. two mistakes. she had me when she was 20 years old.  i lost my childhood when i was 4 years old. i had to fight for everything. and i had to fight alone. my mom had to fight as well, but she always took the easy way out and i took the hard one.

today for the first time my mom said she wants to be more like me. strong and aware of her faults. not afraid to change. explore. try. fall. cry. live.

i listened. not sure what to say. not sure how to react. i do think im strong. i know what i want in life. i know where im headed. i know who i am. 

i want something normal in my life. im so scared of being like her when it comes to men. all this time i was with david…….. such a mistake. i was so weak. i couldnt believe a man could really love me. he treated me like shit and i let him. why? whats wrong with me? two months ago i decided enough is enough and put a stop to it all. the david issue is closed. now the only question is can i be in a good relationship? am i strong enough to break that cicle? or will i keep going the lonely path i chose for myself a long time ago?

i feel so alone righ now with on one to talk to. why do we feel this why? i know that if i’ll pick up the phone and talk to liat i’ll feel better in a minute.  but i dont do that. i choose to do it all alone.

is there a man strong enough for me?

i’ll be honest with you. i do love someone. i think he loves me as well. but is he strong enough? will he be good to me? will he make me happy? will he know my soul? will he help me grow as a person?  and what about me? can i make him happy? can i make anyone happy? i told him im gonna think about it. but i cant. i cant think about it. i need to feel. and right now i dont know what i feel. im scared. so i hope he’ll understand. im not going to think. im gonna wait for a feeling. when the moment comes i will know and it wont be so hard.

i dont know if theres a god or anyone that looks after us. but right now i wanna think there is. and i wanna say thank you. thank you for everything. for the person that i am. for riva. for the last few days. for what ive learned. for not giving up on me when i gave up on myself. for keith and his love. and with that let me say a little prayer.

help me make the right decision. i never asked for anything. i need your help with this one. a hint is all i need. thanks.

love.

“Lihi, stop pushing me. i will do it when im ready.”

i heard this so many times before from so many different people since i was a little kid. its true. i do push people. push them to their limit. why? im not sure. cause i know they want to change but dont know how. that was one of my biggest problems growing up. i was always the grown up. i raised a lot of people. here are a few i would like to mention. my mom. noa my cousin. elad, boaz’s son. idan, my half brother. and omer. i have been thinking and worried about them my whole life.

one day gila told me something i already knew but had to hear again. she said you cant push people that dont want to be pushed. you need to let go. all the care and the love in the world wont do any good if they dont want it.

what do i do? let go? i knew i had to. so i did. and i started living my own life. far from everyone i know. so it wont hurt as much.

i made a huge difference in a few peoples lives. noa, idan ,omer and elad. noa is now 22 and we are still very close. she told me a few months ago that i saved her. i was her rock.

idan and i were very close. i loved that kid. then i left. not a word for years. till he was 18 and i saw him again. he told me how much he loved me. told me he would have never survived without me.

elad is now 17. we were very close as well. i loved him like my own brother. then, yes you guessed right, i left. years went by till i saw him again one day. when i did i was shocked. he wasnt a little kid he was a man. i missed him so much. after two days of talking and getting to know each other again, we went to the park and talked. he started crying. i knew why but didnt ask. he said that he really loved me. and i just left one day without a notice. he needed me. and i wasnt there for him. he told me how sad he was. and then angry. and then felt nothing. till i showed up again.  he wasnt the same anymore.

noa, idan and elad. all grown up now. the innocence is gone from their eyes. all we have now are memories.

i remember when gila told me not to push people. and i really didnt. well i did push keith a lot but only because he wanted to be pushed. i couldnt help him change. but these last two days something amazing happened.  something very small for some but huge for me. a change.

it started yesterday when idan called me. he wanted to see me. he wanted us to stay in touch. i invited him for dinner on friday. that was cool!

then noa. i saw her today. we had such a wonderful talk. i saw the change in her. small but its a start.

and then the best thing happened. my biggest challenge. my mom.

when my mom gets angry youll never know. she keeps everything inside. for months maybe even years till she explodes. i must say that im like that and im working very hard to change that! anyway, today for the first time, with a little push from me, she told noa that she was angry at her. she never did that before. i know it sounds stupid to you but i was so moved. i know how hard it was for her. and she was wonderful.

so, if a 49 year old woman can change so can anyone else!!! its never too late. and if i push you……… you should that me!!! well, you will some day im sure. lol.

i was talking to my friend before about the fact that i was always there for other people when i was growing up. why wasnt there anyone for me? why? no one that took care of me when i was sick. no one to talk to or cry on. no one to lean on. no one to yell at. no one to laugh with. no one to share my thoughts with. why? is that my faith? is there no one strong enough for me? a man a woman even a sheep….. anyone at all? was i born to be alone? im not really sad thinking about it, more curious to know.

i mean, im so happy i was there for others when they needed me. but why didnt i have someone growing up? i might have been a very different person now…

i guess thats life.

my sexy dark lover asked me to write something. i always write after i make my conclusions about something. i went to south america for three months to grow and change. i have been through so much. now i need some time to realize what i have learned and make it a part of me. all my thoughts right now are a big mish mash. but i told him i will write so lets see…

you know what? i cant do it. there is just too much on my mind right now and i dont know where to start. i wanna tell you about my near death experience in bolivia. i wanna tell you about the amazing birthday i had. about living in the jungle with people that share the same dream as me. about falling out of love with david. about a very lost soul named paul. about the best 46 hours of my life with “him”. about me and keith. about omer.my mom. you see what i mean…. its all too much.

ok i know. i wont tell you about the past. and i wont share my plan for the future. lets talk about right now. and right now my world is omer. for those of you who cant remember he is my eight year old brother who just lost his father a few months ago.

when i look into his eyes i see a grown man. i see an old soul. i see a lot of pain. i see a dark secret. i understand him. i used to be just like him. i carried everyones pain for years. i cried for years. i couldnt talk. couldnt explain. i prayed for someone to just come and take me far far away. no one came. so one day i got tired of waiting and became my own personal hero. 

omer is going to a shrink. and he is on medications. he cut himself with a knife a few days ago screaming like a wounded animal that he wants to die. an 8 year old. the shrink offered to take him to a foster family. no one understands why he is in so much pain.

i have my own theory about the whole thing. its only a theory! im trying to look at the whole thing through his eyes. lets try.

his father tries to kill himself. didnt work. omer and him used to fight like crazy. one day omer told him he wants to kill him and he hates him. a few days later he dies. it was a heart attack they tell him. but he knows the truth. he keeps it to himself. is he the one to blame? is it because of what he said? did he kill his father? to tell or not to tell?

that is what i think. my personal theory. my solution, tell him the truth. tell him he decided to kill himself. and tell him its not his fault. for years i was sure my dad left because of me. years of self hatred. not knowing what i did wrong i made my own reasons. you know, maybe i was too ugly. too stupid. maybe he wanted a boy instead. and so on.

i really believe that if my mom would have talked to me when i was 5 years old, and tell me that mummy and daddy dont love each other anymore but they still love me very much, i would have been a much happier kid.  not to mention a bit more normal today, haha.

then i had this crazy idea. instead of a foster family, let me take him with me for two months. im going to india in november, let him come with me. clear his head a little. give my mom some time to get help herself. and they both need some time away from each other. my mom said its not a bad idea but she is scared of being alone. not sure what to say about that.

i dont know…. why do people still bring kids to the world? i mean dont get me wrong, i love kids! they love me. i would love to have kids of my own. really. i would love to be a mom. it would make me so happy. but i dont know…. i look around me and its not good. people feel alone everywhere. we all just feel so alone. i know i do. its the worst feeling ever. i know my kid would feel alone as well. why would i do that to someone else just because it will make me feel whole?

you wanna know what i want? well im gonna tell you anyway! i want a man. a partner. someone i feel comfortable and natural with. someone i can share my nights and weekends with.

you know what keith? we had that. it was far from being perfect, but it was perfect enough.

keith and i lived together for more then a year. shared a bed 4 days after we first met. we both worked long hours. by the end of the day i couldnt wait to see him! we liked the same things. same food. same tv shows. long showers. water fights. stupid things. we were very different in so many other ways, but the small, every day things we shared with love.

my mom came to me today and told me she is too stressed and cant sleep. because tomorrow is a new week and so many things to do. she asked for an advise. so i told her what i learned. do one thing at a time. dont think about the 10 things you have to do tomorrow. think about the first thing. deal with it when the time comes. then on to the next thing. and so on. if i’ll think of everything i need to do my head will explode. i dont think. i do.

keith honey, this is one of the things i learned from us. for me this is the reason why it broke. we thought too far ahead. things that didnt happened yet. i listened to my family, you listened to yours, and we got lost. too bad really. but its in the past. cant we fix it? do we want to fix it? i dont know. i know that i miss you very much. i know you are a good friend. i know i care for you. and i know you need to deal with a few things.

my life is very simple right now. im very content. im healthy. got money. my family is here. i got 4 amazing friends. i feel free. i feel another adventure is coming my way and i cant wait. i love my life. i love me. i love you.  all i feel is love and lots of it. nothing else matters.

so keith, this is it. i cant write anymore tonight. i cant even remember what i wrote. i need to find a title oy!

i promise im gonna try and write some more. just need to clear my head first. or get really depressed. im great when im sad! lol.

good night!!

the best part in travelling in the unknown.  when i travel i never plan ahead. i dont time myself. and i love going on my own. i love to think and learn more about life as i go on. and then there is the best part. going home and looking back on your trip. remembering the people you have met. the conversations that made you think.

well, im almost done with this trip but i already met my three people who really made me look at myself and think about my life.

i only saw each for maybe 20 minutes and none of them spoke english. i wont tell you about all three. one of them i saw as i was leaving ilha do mel. i saw him on the boat and we were both going to cortiva. he lived on this island his entire life and he is my age.

every time i talk to someone and tell him about my life they go wow. im used to it. this guy wasnt impressed at all. so naturally it got me curious. with my broken english this is what i got. he said: travel is great. you get to see the world. you learn a lot. you meet great people. but then what? he lost me there. what do you mean? he said, well youre not married, you dont have kids, no family, nothing of your own. (ouch). so you could write a great book maybe. but youll feel very lost and empty in a few years. he told me that he lived in one place his whole life and he already knows whats really important. he wants a family.

well, then my bus came and we said goodbye. before i left he kissed me on the lips and said good luck. what the f???

well i was on that bus for 18 hours and i kept thinking about him. is he right? is that what we live for? is that all we want? something to call it ours? can a person be really happy without a family? will i feel empty in a few years? an i going the wrong path here?

ok, then i met a girl. 3 years youger then me. from sao paulo. very smart girl. really wanted more out of life. met her in parati. we went out and got some acai and talked for hours. we talked about us and relationships. she told me her story. then i was thinking about my own story. there was a conection there. we both loved men that didnt treat us right. why? we are both smart. strong. curious. we both look good and funny. shes got a brazilian ass!! so why? why do we love them? the next day i left town and was alone again. thinking about this whole thing.

this is what i think. i think its a low self esteem problem. we both dont believe we could be loved. we both punish ourselves for the past. now, guys, dont talk, this is for the ladies. i have been talking to a lot of girls and we all have that in common. we go to men that control us. that play with us. and make us unhappy. i have been thinking about the man i love and i hate myself for loving him. loving him means hating myself. do i really hate myself? and if i do, why? and how do i break this cycle??

the third person i met a few days ago. he reminded me of my dad. and he made me think a lot. i wont go into details cause its personal, but ill never forget him.

i think ill be getting home in a week or two. im very happy i came here. i learned so much about myself. and now i know what i have to work on.

in mid october im going to eilat and mid november im going to asia. i can believe im already planning my next trip and im on the border of brazil.

monkey man, i need you to know something. you always treated me right. you were always good to me. thats why i miss you so much. miss my friend. but from my boyfriend i needed more. read this book hidious kinki and tell me what you think.

shesek, youre not the problem. youre you. always have been. its me. im the problem. took me a while to see that. and now its just too simple.

paul, you opened my eyes and ill never be the same again. i wish you luck and know that youre not alone in this. and if you ever need me ill be there for you to hold your hand.

ima, you messed my life up and now i need your help to fix it. we have a lot of work ahead so i hope youre ready. i love you for caring enough to do this.

isabella, i will never forget you! believe in yourself and never let go of your dreams! if you ever need anything please ask!

will write more once i get home. love you all!