a new feeling

i  havent felt this way for so long….

now its back. in a second. its burning within. my whole body is alive but from the inside. i know who i am right now and what i want. at least for a moment. it feels good.

a new year. a frsh start. new hopes. a small dream. one big heart. one god. one moon.

sorry if you have no idea what im talking about. im talking to myself. you can listen.

2010- i would like to wish myself a few things.

i would like to learn how to show what i feel on the inside a bit better.

would love to keep learning and growing with my beautiful son. he is my eyes. my soul. im so inlove with him. such a perfect being.

i would like to feel stronger like i used to without clossing my heart.

i would like to have more beautiful people in my life to learn from.

i wish every feeling being on this planet a moment of peace. a moment of true happiness. a moment of  love. a moment of truth.

happy new year everyone!!!

1 comment Jpm1000000pmSat, 02 Jan 2010 15:14:13 +000010 23, 2007

nothing is forever.

the pain was sharp. at the level of her throat. it used to happen twice a week, but for the past six months it increased to an almost daily routine. most of the time it was a short pain that would go away in a few seconds. but sometimes the pain was bigger and lasted a longer time and even spread all the way to her heart and chest. the girl had a rule about medications. she never took them. she hated anything unnatural. she also hated doctors and never went even for an annual check.

but the pain started happening at the strangest times. watching the sunset. holding a baby in her arms. playing with a cat. holding her lovers hand. a pretty flower. the wind. meditating. a nice song. it was all too beautiful to bare. she couldnt take the pain anymore. so one day she decided to do the unthinkable and go see a doctor. he was nice. shook her hand and all. then she told him everything. he asked a few questions about her family and her sex life. the girl answered. he took a blood sample and sent her home. he asked her to come again in three days.

after two days he sent her an email asking her to come right away and bring a family member or a Friend with her. the girl was alone in a foreign country. she didnt know anyone there. what can it be? she hopped in the shower, got dressed and went to see her doctor. she felt nothing. she refused to think about it and what it can be. whatever it is she will handle it just like she did her entire life.

when she got there, a nice nurse asked her to sit and wait. offered her some water or coffee, the girl refused with a nod and a smile. the place was all white like it was just painted. was it this white before? she couldnt remember. after a few minutes the nurse came back, this time asking who was with me. i said i came alone. she looked….. upset? and left again leaving the girl alone with her thoughts. she waited for ever! then her new best friend, the nurse, told her to go right in the doctor was ready to see her.

he stood up when she came in and smiled offering her a chair. he made a small talk about the crazy weather, not knowing how much she hated small talks. after a few minutes the girl lost her patience and asked him straight whats wrong with her. he looked confused and was silent for a few minutes. 

the girl knew what it was. it was cancer. it had to be cancer. cancer was in her family. she asked god again and again to take her away. explaining him she had enough. telling him she cant take the pain anymore. maybe he heard her prayers. was she going home finally??

we looked at your blood test and its not good. the doctor was alive after all. he continued. i wish you had a family member with you it makes it so much easier. she looked at him trying to make him feel less bad. she loved alone. alone and her were best friends. alone was always with her. alone was there now by her side.

just tell me what it is the girl almost shouted. he looked at her and said, you have a heart failure. i have a heart failure? my heart is failing? she wanted to sound smart and asked, ha?? he explained. her respond again was, ha??? he tried again, blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah balh. blah blah blah, blah blah.  now english might be only a second language for her but this was NOT  english. this time to make sure he understand her confusion she yelled HA?????

your heart is not beating the way it should. every little excitement makes it speed up too much, which will make it stop beating soon.

how soon?

i cant really tell you. im guessing somewhere between 4 and 6 months.

and then what will happen??

your heart will stop.

and…..

you will die. a person cannot live without a beating heart.

right…..

im sorry im not sure what else to tell you. you waited too long. there is nothing i can do right now to help.

will it hurt?

no it wont. the best thing i can tell you at this point is to take it easy. rest and sleep a lot. dont do anything too exciting.

so its not cancer. its my heart. my heart. how did it happen? she always followed her heart. how can it be her heart?? she couldnt breath. she had to get out of there. she looked at him. is there anything else i need to know before i go?

you are young. too young for this. i dont usually say it, but try and get a second opinion, im only human. i checked many times of course but you never know….

thanks, i will do that. thank you for everything.

im sorry. wish there was something i could do.

its ok. you already did more then you think. you shook my hand and smiled. that warmed my heart. i thank you.

he smiled, got up and gave the girl a hug. she put her head on his chest and cried. and cried. and cried some more. the phone rang, she forced herself to stop and act like a grownup. she smiled and without another word, she was gone.

she didnt know what to do or where to go. she walked in the streets for hours. 4 to 6 months. she kept playing with that number. now what? well, at least now she wont have to deal with the question, should she become a mother or not. not an option anymore. also, no marriage in her future. who will marry a girl for 4 months? ok so what? going back home and spend her time with her family? die in her homeland? there were still a few places she wanted to see. like africa. and figi. what about her dream about becoming a yogi and live in a cave somewhere on the mountains of tibet? what about over coming her fears and sing in front of other people? she wanted to grow tomatoes. can she grow tomatoes in 4 months? how long does it take? what about the love of her life? should she spend the rest of the time with him? run a marathon? have some gelato in italy? what???

she got tired and sat down in the middle of the street confused. it was very close to her favorite time of the day. sunset time. the doctor said no excitement. she never listened to anyone before and she wasnt about to start now. she went straight to the beach and waited. it was beautiful. overwhelming. her heart couldnt take all that beauty. after a few minutes of pressure all she can do is cry. and thats what she did. she realized she might never celebrate her 28th birthday….

she looked at the sun going down. she knew that soon, she wont be able to see it anymore. only a few more sunsets left. will the sun miss her after she’s gone? will she notice the girls absence?

the girl decided to follow her heart one last time.

and so she did.

7 comments Jpm2000000pmMon, 04 Feb 2008 14:50:14 +000008 23, 2007

last chance.

why is it so easy to forget the good times? why do i concentrate on remembering the bad times? im trying to figure out if its just my way of protecting myself or my way to convince myself that this cant work.

ok Lihi, what is it that you feel you need to protect yourself from? be honest now. what is it that really scares you so much? is it the drugs? the alcohol?  the moods? the lifestyle? or just your regular stupid fears… that it wont work. that you’ll end up heart broken.

well, let me tell you something about yourself that apparently you forgot. you loved him. you really loved him. are you so stubborn you cant even admit it now? im not asking you to live in the past. maybe you are both too different now and it wont work, but dont sit here pretending it wasnt real because it was.

and let me tell you one more thing. you are wasting your life being afraid. i know that your world is safe. i know that you feel lost with him. i know you cant see how it can work. but honey whats with you? you always did things this way. you never knew what the future holds and that never stopped you before. trust me, when you die, no one will say you were a coward. i know that just being here right now makes you feel like a little girl, frightened and alone, but you are not a little girl anymore. you are a woman now, you know who you are and what you want. you know that you can make money, and live without it. you can have a home or keep on traveling forever. there is just one thing you cant live without. and thats him. dont ask me why because i dont know. but its the truth and you know it. so he is not perfect. so what? are you??

im sitting here alone, the sun in on my face, im clean and theres a great shampoo smell in the air. listening to my music and feeling happy. not a care in the world. no worries. nothing bothers me. talking to my friends, all are telling me im crazy and that i have to leave, they think im insane. i dont think i am. i think im realistic. i found something precious and i wont let it go without a fight. you keep asking me about the future, well i dont know. to be honest with you, youre right. no, i cant see us getting married and having a family. but i can still dream. i can still hope he might realize what i have realized already.   and if not, well the door is open and i will move on with my life. but the least i can do is stay. give it a real chance. all i want is someone to share my life with, why not him? he is easy, doing his own thing, doesnt bother me too much, almost clean, thats not bad. you know me, i dont need much. having very little makes me very happy.

you have  6 months.  think you can stay that long and see what happens? i think you should, because we both know that this is the last time. no more chances. dont blow this one by running away. not this time. for your sake and his.

1 comment Jpm1000000pmWed, 30 Jan 2008 18:36:12 +000008 23, 2007

6 hour answer.

what is it really that i am looking for in this life? i have been thinking about it for the past few days after a good friend brought it up and i had no answer. i felt confused and a little angry for some reason at myself and him. well today i woke up and decided to figure this one out. since this is not the first time that people have asked me that very same question many many times before. took me 6 hours to find my answer. all i needed was some time for myself. a beautiful day. the sun. the beach. some music. then i can think and feel clearly and find find answers.

ok so to all of you curious people out there, and mom, i have an answer for all of you. are you ready?

nothing.

im not looking for anything special. everything i ever wanted i already have. i have known the world. i have known people. i have known friends. i have known love. i had adventures and memories. had so many good and wonderful days and oh so many bad ones. im a generally happy person. yes of course i get sad and lost and confused sometimes but i think thats normal. and this is why i have you, my friends to help me when im down.

i understand my life. i understand my goals. yes i have a goal mom oy.  its just a bit different then the way you live thats all. my goal in life is to live. thats it. i wake up i eat something and i do whatever it is that i feel like doing at that moment. thats my life. you keep asking me about tomorrow when in my head there is no tomorrow. there is only today. there is right now.

i have tried living it your way. i cant do it. i think that you are all wrong. am i smarter then the rest of you…. maybe. or maybe im an idiot and one day will understand what you all tried to tell me all these years. maybe. you never know. or maybe one day youll be 60 and sad and understand me and my life style. maybe.

look im 27 now. i will be 30 soon! not a kid anymore. really. how about giving me some space to do my thing and stop criticizing my life.  i know i take a lot of risks in life but im ready to get hurt. im ready to fall on my face.

i cant tell you if this is how im going to be till the day i die. i change all the time. i learn all the time. i might feel differently some day. i love you when you get married. i love you when you get divorced. i love you when youre happy. im there for you when youre sad. but i never tell you youre making a mistake. even if i think it. its your mistake to make and not mine. and its your job to be there for me when i need you. but dont try to fix me or help poor lihi, because she is doing just fine.

i love that you are worried about me. it shows how much you care and love me.

rakesh, we wouldn’t have met if i wouldn’t have come to goa. and im glad i met you i had a great time. i made a friend.  all im doing in my life is follow my path. hope that answers your question.

love.

1 comment Jpm1000000pmTue, 29 Jan 2008 19:28:18 +000008 23, 2007

a story about a girl 2

it was her last day on the island. she refused to leave it without one last adventure. she woke up early just like any other day, took a nice long shower, got her usual watermelon juice and went to explore the island some more.

it was a beautiful sunny day. birds were everywhere. she felt good. smiling to people. waving to the local kids. taking a few pictures on the way. then she saw something she havent noticed before. it was a path. right between the trees. it was a small path but still a path. with no doubt in her heart she took it. started walking between the trees and flowers. not a person was around. no cars. no noise. no houses. nothing but the sound of the ocean not too far ahead. she kept walking.  hearing snakes and other unwelcoming animals she did not stop. if you only knew how stubborn she was. no snake in the world can stop this girl from an adventure. after some time she saw it. it was perfect. the most beautiful shore ever. clean white sand. clear blue water. coconut trees. and the best part- not a soul was around.no foot prints on the sand. no boats. no dead fish. nothing but nature with all its glory. there was only one problem. how to get to there? she saw it. so close and yet so far away. the girl closed her eyes. she does that frequently whenever she wants to listen to her heart for an advise. with a green light from her beloved heart she decided to keep on going and find the way to that private beach.

she started climbing a small hill. not so bad she thought to herself. then another hill. then another. the sun showed no mercy. the girl was getting tired and to be honest a little scared she wont find her way back. but as i mentioned before, stubborn.  after a nice long walk she stopped. looking around, she realized she was lost. no idea where she was or how to go back.  great. it was 3pm already and it gets dark at 6pm. not knowing what to do she sat on the ground and started singing. she does that whenever she freaks out. after a few songs and a few red ants walking all over her she decided to keep looking for that beach and not try and go back. did i mention already she was a bit stubborn at times…

by 4pm she was there. she found it. it was even more beautiful then she remembered. better then a picture. and it was hers. gods little gift to her. and just like any other normal person would do, she took off all her clothes and ran to the water. cold! it was perfect. for the first time in years the girl felt so alive and so beautiful she couldnt help it and started crying. of course. tears of joy ran over her pink cheeks into the ocean.

she sat on the shore and listened to her classical music. that made her cry even more. then, standing there naked alone with nature, a boat came out of nowhere. 7 tourists  looked very happy to see her, waving and taking pictures. she wasnt embarrassed. she was a bit shocked maybe, and found the whole thing to be really really funny. she waved back and sat back down still laughing.

she started getting a little tired and closed her eyes for a few minutes. then a mans voice with a french accent woke her up, asking if he can join her. she opened her eyes and saw a very naked guy in front of her. why not she could use the company.

two strangers. sitting naked in a foreign country. on a deserted island. looking at the sunset in silence. they sat there like that for more then two hours. it was time to go. they got up. looking at each other. realizing how strange the whole thing was, they both started laughing. he took the girls hand and kissed it. she blushed. they got dressed and walked hand in hand on the shore. he gave her a ride home. then said goodbye.

the girl stood there. thinking about the entire day. appreciating her life. loving the world. loving herself. and thanking god for this wonderful little adventure she had today.

the girl went to bed. not knowing what tomorrow will bring. what new exciting adventure. new people. new places. new dreams. a new day.
she was happy.

Add a comment Jam1000000amSat, 19 Jan 2008 06:10:02 +000008 23, 2007

what have i done??

oy the mess ive made. i really need some professional help. ok so heres my problem. i told my boyfriend i have to go to thailand and i had a bunch of stupid reasons why i had to go. we broke up a night before i left. i was even sad! i like the guy. i think he’s funny and thats a lot for me. i love waking up with him in the morning. he is a very good huger. he loves old movies. he travelled more then me (!). he hates cats maybe thats why i left, lol. loves ice cream. knows when to shut me up. good guy really. a person that wasnt left as a kid again and again cant know the fear i have of being left again so i leave first.

anyway, im on the plane talking to this italian guy next to me eating something….. indian i guess. i land in bangkok and check my emails. great. i get a stupid advice from this guy telling me not to leave. and i get an email from R telling me he is on his way to be with me. great! what happened to i need to work? got a test next week? unbelievable. so now he is here with me. and i want to die.

do i complain too much? i just read what i wrote and i do bitch a lot. a nice guy is here with me on this beautiful island. no reason to be scared. at these times i really love israel. its far far away and people are too scared of going there. lol. im such an easy going person i should relax and have a good time.

but if he’s gonna ask me to marry him and i run away again im becoming a nun and thats final! ok my ride is here im gonna go.

E- im worried about you. you cant send me this email and not respond again. i told you that if you need me im there for you. if youre in trouble i can fly anywhere and be with you. canada, mexico, europe you name it and im there. lihiavr@gmail.com. im not sure whats going on but i promise you that youre not alone! 

well wish me luck! 

Add a comment Jam1000000amTue, 08 Jan 2008 00:08:11 +000008 23, 2007

wish you were here i can use a hug…

i hate the fact that youre not here. you should sit by my side right now and hold me. you always knew the right thing to say. you always knew how to make me smile. well i need you right now. i know i dont say that very often. maybe i should. but i woke up this morning missing you. you are my best friend. my closest lover. and youre not here when i really need you. so i decided to pretend and write to you.

im flying tomorrow. leaving india. leaving him. and i dont want to leave. why do i always leave? well i was thinking about it last night and woke up with that same thought this morning. if youll be here next to me you might say that he is not the right guy for me. that im not ready. that its not the right time in my life right now to commit. youre right. really you are. but there is more. there is something else that stops me every time from going all the way. and its not what my mind tells me. you wanna know what it is? its simple really. in one word, fear.

im sure you want to know how can a girl like me still get scared. well i gotta tell you, not many things scare me. im scared of the dark did i tell you that? and im scared of bugs. the big ones but i think you knew that already. and im scared of love. i want it but only when i can control it and leave it when the time is right. any other type of love i cant handle.

as you know i like to be in control of my own life. fear has no place in my life. so i need to get over it. im working on my fear from darkness. i didnt take my flashlight with me this time and i think its getting better. if i walk alone in the dark i found that singing to myself really helps.

bugs. oy thats a big problem. last bug i had in my appartment got my house key and the whole house to himself. now on the train to goa i had bugs all over my bed. ok i freaked out a little but after a few hours and lots of yaniv ( card game ) i relaxed and went to sleep. knowing that they are walking all over me. so you see im getting better!

but love. thats a tricky one. first guy i left was baruch. he really loved me for years. and he was such a good guy. i remember all the excuses my mind told me. im too young. he is not right for me. he is too nice. it wont work we are too different. you know the regular bullshit we tell ourselves till we really believe it.

then i believe it was itamar. another great guy and i really liked him. but nope. i was travelling. i was too young. he was really honest about the way he felt and that scared me even more. we only knew each other for a short time. and so on.

then it was david. ok you all know the story no point of saying it again. lets just say i left. in my mind i was too young. far away from home. no job. we were both too lost. can two wrongs make it right? he was in a cult. he stole my bag. and so on.

then it was keith. ok with this one i know i left for a good reason. we were not right for each other. really! no mind excuses. you gotta believe me.

then it was… david again. only he left this time. but if i’ll be honest with you he was just faster then me. we both knew it wont work. thats why i cant be mad at him cause i know how he feels.

now its you know who, we can call him R , who is a very nice guy. i really like him. i know he likes me. but oh wait it wont work. he is too young. lives in india. what does he know about love? so what if we get along great and have fun together? it wont work. plus i have a flight tomorrow. gotta fly! its booked!

ok so im going to be alone again in just a few hours. am i sad? yes and no. no because i know there will be someone else soon. and yes because i know i would leave again.

because youre my best friend and such a good listener btw, im gonna share something with you. im gonna tell you why im always leaving. im gonna tell you why i cant stop running away. its personal so keep it to yourself. its because its not real. when i was born i believed in love. i wanted it and i needed it. but then slowly people left me. first to leave was my dad. after him it was a snowball effect. they all left. they all loved me and yet they all had a great reason to leave me.

so people like us, who got left behind so many times, we get scared. even now when we are all grown up, we are scared. its more then just fear. we just cant do it. we can do it for a while. we can date. we can say i love you. we can even mean it sometimes. but its only a matter of time till that little voice inside tells us its time to move on. its time to run again. dont get too comfortable here. and then we collect a nice big pile of excuses to leave and do.

so i guess that in order to break this cycle i need to stay here with R, cancel my flight and tell him i love him. but of-course i wont. im going to be on that plane tomorrow. im gonna be looking out of my little window and smile. a relieved sad smile. then im gonna tell myself that with the next one i wont run. thats it. its a promise. promise my ass. i cant do it.

so now tell me, what do you think? got a good advice for me? uff i really need you right now. you would know the right thing to say. i miss you… 

2 comments Jam1000000amFri, 04 Jan 2008 01:19:59 +000008 23, 2007

forgiveness.

i had a very emotional day yesterday. i was explained for the first time how important is to forgive others. on so many levels. to be honest with you, i thought i did already forgive everyone, but i was wrong. last night i took some time for myself. i was alone with my thoughts. i thought of all the people that hurt once before. some of these people are still very much in my life, others are not.  but thats not the point. we all met for a reason. and i remember all of them because they made in impact on my life.  after 4 hours alone in my room thinking about the past i was ready to let it all go. and this is why im writing this today.  lets start.

first place goes to my dad. you were the first to introduce me with pain. you hurt me time and time again and shaped the person i am today. you left me. you never looked back. for 21 years of my life i was in the dark, asking myself why. thinking its my fault. im done. i dont hate you. im not angry. no more pain. its in the past. I FORGIVE YOU.

second place goes to my mom. you made me unhappy for years. you made me feel im not good enough. you made me feel im not beautiful. you told me to stay away from my dad. you showed my how alone can one person really be. you never really cared. you never really loved. you used a lot of guilt to get your way. its done. its in the past. I FORGIVE YOU.

third place goes to me. i hurt myself so many times already. hurt my body. hurt my soul. i dated men that werent good for me. i listened to the wrong people. i was lazy. i was weak. i was scared. i was a sheep. its in the past.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.

well these are the ones that are still in my life.

L- you really hurt me when i was 19 years old. you used your power and used me. that was wrong. i had no way out. you were stronger. im ready to let go. i forgive you.

E- wow such a long time ago and i still remember it. you told so many lies about me. we were so young. i still dont know why you did it. but its time to let it go. i forgive you.

S- you said youll always be there for me. always. i was a child. i believed you. you left when i was 8 years old. you were my last straw. i stopped trusting people because of that. it was a good lesson to learn. its in the past. i forgive you.

D- you broke my heart. you made me believe again. you took it away with no explanation. i had a few good memories and you stole them from me. you left me with nothing. but now i found what i was looking for. im ok. its in the past. i forgive you.

i think im done here.

to all the people i hurt in the past, i hope you will forgive me some day.

for a new beginning!

6 comments Jam12000000amSat, 15 Dec 2007 01:36:44 +000007 23, 2007

lets talk!

close you eyes. think of a problem you have. now open your eyes. is this problem from your past, present or future? most likely its from your past or future.

my teacher asked me that a while ago. everyone in class had some problem. i was the only black sheep. the only problem i had at the moment was my hair. there was no hot water in the morning ( its india it happends ) so i didnt wash my hair. oy the mess!!!

my teacher was surprised by my answer and laughted at me. he was looking for a real problem. i told him i have no problems. the past is gone and i learned from it and why think about the future?? wheres the fun in that? i live here. right now.

i have been throught a lot in my life already. i had my share of ups and downs. i had faith and lost it and found it again. i loved and got my heart broken like everyone else ( if youre lucky! ).

8 months ago i wanted to die. no joke. i really wanted to die. no because i was unhappy. well i was unhappy but that wasnt the reason. i simply had enough. i understood what life was all about. i got it. and i had enough. i didnt want to take a part of this game anymore.

that day, the day i wanted to die, was the best day of my life. no im not crazy. i needed that fall. it was the hardest fall of my life. i had no faith. no dreams. no love. no nothing. it was great. the best lesson god have ever showed me. i feel so greatfull.

no matter how stupid or blind i was, he never gave up on me. slowly he showed me my path again. i had to fall. a new person is growing now. i like this one. i can live with this one. i have a new dream. its a great one. ( sorry not sharing….)

its the holiday season. all over the world. some are happy. some are sad. some are alone.

for the happy ones i want to say happy holiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for the sad ones i want to say- life is too short for this crap.  go stand infront of a mirror and smile like an idiot for 10 minutes. stare at yourself. dont tell anyone youre doing this youre strange enough…. but trust me youll feel better!!

for all of you who feel alone- i want to say one thing.  we are never alone. maybe theres no one sharing your bed at night. maybe you eat breakfast on your own. maybe you work hard every day and go back to an empty house. maybe you got no one to say “i love you” and mean it. maybe no one knows who you really are. maybe you celebrate your birthday alone. maybe you have lots of people around you all day and you care about none of them.

we all felt that way before. and we will again. unless you realize something. realize that you and i are conected. ok maybe you dont know me. dont know my name. dont know how old i am. dont know where i live or which ice cream i love the most ( all of them!! ), but you know ME. my soul. you know i was born. you know i will die. you know i cry. you know i get scared. you know i fell in love. you know i lost. you know i worked. you know i bled. you know i sleep. you know i dream. you know everything there is to know about me that means something. same goes with my mom. you know my mom. you know my family. you know my friends. you know the whole world. we are all conected. you are never alone.

if all that didnt work and you still feel alone email me. lets talk. im a good listener. ok thats a lie. im a bad listener. but i can make you smile. and sometimes that all we need.

happy holidays!!!

for my family:

sorry i didnt write for a long time. india is wonderful!! im so happy to be here. my course is almost over and im leaving rishikesh in a week. going to agra next and then maybe goa. after that i dont know. should be home by april but dont count on it. i miss you! all my love. likush.

Add a comment Jam12000000amTue, 11 Dec 2007 05:49:36 +000007 23, 2007

growth

i cant tell you how much i wanted to disappear. be truly on my own. to be in a place where no one could reach me. this was my dream for a long long time. its not anymore. something changed. ive changed during these past 8 months. i have god to thank for that.

im in india at the moment, and im very much in love with this place. im alone here but dont feel alone for a second. god and i weren’t this close in years. so many things in my life make sense for the first time. im heading to Thailand in a few weeks. a new chapter in my life. im so happy. im so very much content.

i really see god in my life every day all day now. i was thinking a lot about my past. and i really believe that one of the main points in my life happened when i was 21 and met matt and david. they both showed me something beautiful and changed my life forever. i no longer talk to any of them but i have them both in my heart and will thank them forever. they will never know why and how they did it but now i see why i had to meet them both.

i feel less and less confused with each day that im here. i feel whole again. i feel like i finally have a goal in life. i have learned so much here about life, people and myself. from such a sad and alone child im growing to be a happy beautiful woman. i wish i had a way to make more people feel this way. so many of us are lost and alone and confused. instead of realizing that we are all really just one body and help each other more so we wont feel so alone, we push each other even more away from each other and feel even more alone.

for one minute i wish i had really really long arms so i could give you all a hug. since i cant do that use your imagination!

i love you all really. not sure who wished me happy chanuka but thanks!!!!!

happy chanuka everyone!!

2 comments Jam12000000amFri, 07 Dec 2007 01:21:17 +000007 23, 2007