five minute faith

i woke up this morning not knowing how my day’s gonna look like. my mom asked me to go with her to s.o.s and look for a dog. we went there and it was still early so we went to the local church there. it was beautiful. i couldnt walk in cause i had a short skirt on but i looked from the outside and had a few quiet moments to look at my life. and let me tell you something, its not a bad life. i feel like im on my way to become the person i want to be.  i felt happy.

then we went to see the dogs. after a few minutes a started crying. then we left. we decided to go to the beach. we walked for 20 minutes, was a beautiful day, then we got to a little restaurant and sat there, had breakfast.

yesterday my mom cried. its really hard for me to see her cry. we grew up together. we have gone through so much together. anyway, she had a bad day yesterday and in the evening she broke down and cried.

so today at the restaurant she started talking. its very hard for her to open up so when she does i feel very proud of her.

she told me she was drowning. she cant breath. she is 50 years old, with a little kid, no money or a job. she doesnt want any more men in her life cause they just use her. all she is is a pretty face. her soul is dead. she is empty. she fell hard and she cant stand on her own feet again.

my mom was always beautiful. i used to hate her for it when i was a kid. she always had a man in her life. two husbands. two kids. two mistakes. she had me when she was 20 years old.  i lost my childhood when i was 4 years old. i had to fight for everything. and i had to fight alone. my mom had to fight as well, but she always took the easy way out and i took the hard one.

today for the first time my mom said she wants to be more like me. strong and aware of her faults. not afraid to change. explore. try. fall. cry. live.

i listened. not sure what to say. not sure how to react. i do think im strong. i know what i want in life. i know where im headed. i know who i am. 

i want something normal in my life. im so scared of being like her when it comes to men. all this time i was with david…….. such a mistake. i was so weak. i couldnt believe a man could really love me. he treated me like shit and i let him. why? whats wrong with me? two months ago i decided enough is enough and put a stop to it all. the david issue is closed. now the only question is can i be in a good relationship? am i strong enough to break that cicle? or will i keep going the lonely path i chose for myself a long time ago?

i feel so alone righ now with on one to talk to. why do we feel this why? i know that if i’ll pick up the phone and talk to liat i’ll feel better in a minute.  but i dont do that. i choose to do it all alone.

is there a man strong enough for me?

i’ll be honest with you. i do love someone. i think he loves me as well. but is he strong enough? will he be good to me? will he make me happy? will he know my soul? will he help me grow as a person?  and what about me? can i make him happy? can i make anyone happy? i told him im gonna think about it. but i cant. i cant think about it. i need to feel. and right now i dont know what i feel. im scared. so i hope he’ll understand. im not going to think. im gonna wait for a feeling. when the moment comes i will know and it wont be so hard.

i dont know if theres a god or anyone that looks after us. but right now i wanna think there is. and i wanna say thank you. thank you for everything. for the person that i am. for riva. for the last few days. for what ive learned. for not giving up on me when i gave up on myself. for keith and his love. and with that let me say a little prayer.

help me make the right decision. i never asked for anything. i need your help with this one. a hint is all i need. thanks.

love.

5 comments Jam10000000amSun, 21 Oct 2007 10:49:44 +000007 23, 2007

marie

hi Marie nice hearing from you again. you know, i think the answer is very simple. read back what you wrote. now, why does anyone needs to control the world? why can we all just have our own beliefs? and you know what, they have been trying to control Israel for 50 years now and i dont think they’re doing such a great job.

you cant make people believe in something! you either believe or you dont. when you force rules on people they fight against it.

Israel is a religious country. they control the country. ill give you a few examples. no buses on the weekends. not just in Jerusalem, the entire country. so the rest of us that wanna go out cant, thats not right.

or if i wanna marry someone who isnt Jewish, my marriage wont be recognized in Israel, its like i never got married. now, i didnt marry a fish. its a human being but still not good enough for a Jew.

here’s one more. if you wanna take a trip to Jerusalem and look around, maybe see the wall, and you’ll do it on the weekend, be careful. they will through stones at you. happened to me a few times. only because im driving on a weekend.

now, they might hurt me, might even kill me( happened in the past ), only because i dont have the same beliefs as they do. im one of them. im Jewish. im Israeli. im a person!

a lot of them are not such great people. come here and ill show you a very different reality them what you read in the newspapers.

the problem is control. people feel like they have to control everything. other people, animals, the weather everything. that’s why our world looks that way. when we’ll stop controlling it, that’s when the real wonder begins.

i know how much you love god and im not telling anything about that. remember i wrote about people who believe in god and people are not god. people make mistakes. people do bad things. some of them are better some wrost. dont look at them as one.  faith is wonderful in any shape and color. love is love. just because you love george doesnt mean we all need to love george. have faith. let others have their own.

5 comments Jam6000000amSat, 16 Jun 2007 00:52:56 +000007 23, 2007

annoyed

ok im sorry but this is too much.

look, i got nothing against religious.

well, i do but thats not the point. listen to this.

i was walking in the street today and out of nowhere this guy stops me. asking me if i can give some money to the jew in-front of me.

he was a chassidik jew. he cant look at me or touch me or talk to me ( cause i have a vagina ), but he can ask me for money.  i was so angry all i wanted to do is touch him all over. im sorry, i dont get them. so annoying. they make us feel like we’re sick or something.

its great to have faith in something bigger then us. we all have faith in something or we wouldnt survive in this world.

but those religious jews are driving me crazy. look, you tried it for many years and our country is going down the drain. why wont you give it a rest…

2 comments Jpm6000000pmThu, 14 Jun 2007 17:05:02 +000007 23, 2007