last chance.

why is it so easy to forget the good times? why do i concentrate on remembering the bad times? im trying to figure out if its just my way of protecting myself or my way to convince myself that this cant work.

ok Lihi, what is it that you feel you need to protect yourself from? be honest now. what is it that really scares you so much? is it the drugs? the alcohol?  the moods? the lifestyle? or just your regular stupid fears… that it wont work. that you’ll end up heart broken.

well, let me tell you something about yourself that apparently you forgot. you loved him. you really loved him. are you so stubborn you cant even admit it now? im not asking you to live in the past. maybe you are both too different now and it wont work, but dont sit here pretending it wasnt real because it was.

and let me tell you one more thing. you are wasting your life being afraid. i know that your world is safe. i know that you feel lost with him. i know you cant see how it can work. but honey whats with you? you always did things this way. you never knew what the future holds and that never stopped you before. trust me, when you die, no one will say you were a coward. i know that just being here right now makes you feel like a little girl, frightened and alone, but you are not a little girl anymore. you are a woman now, you know who you are and what you want. you know that you can make money, and live without it. you can have a home or keep on traveling forever. there is just one thing you cant live without. and thats him. dont ask me why because i dont know. but its the truth and you know it. so he is not perfect. so what? are you??

im sitting here alone, the sun in on my face, im clean and theres a great shampoo smell in the air. listening to my music and feeling happy. not a care in the world. no worries. nothing bothers me. talking to my friends, all are telling me im crazy and that i have to leave, they think im insane. i dont think i am. i think im realistic. i found something precious and i wont let it go without a fight. you keep asking me about the future, well i dont know. to be honest with you, youre right. no, i cant see us getting married and having a family. but i can still dream. i can still hope he might realize what i have realized already.   and if not, well the door is open and i will move on with my life. but the least i can do is stay. give it a real chance. all i want is someone to share my life with, why not him? he is easy, doing his own thing, doesnt bother me too much, almost clean, thats not bad. you know me, i dont need much. having very little makes me very happy.

you have  6 months.  think you can stay that long and see what happens? i think you should, because we both know that this is the last time. no more chances. dont blow this one by running away. not this time. for your sake and his.

1 comment Jpm1000000pmWed, 30 Jan 2008 18:36:12 +000008 23, 2007

just me and the ocean.

its dark out. peaceful.  the wind is telling me what she saw today.  im  looking out the window and i see the ocean.  but  its an  illusion . the ocean is inside me. the waves crushing is my heart beating, showing me im still alive. im  scared but something is telling me not to be. not this time. i feel safe.  i feel alone, so alone, and it feels  good.

the house is shacking. i love that feeling. nothing is stable. no safe ground to walk on. no safe thoughts. no safe feelings. my heart spoke to me today. my wall is falling down. i cant let that happen. and its still there. its not dead like i thought. i want to run. just leave everything here, open the door and run. but i cant move. im paralyzed. i cant feel my body. all i can hear is my heart beating. i want to cry. i want to scream. i want to laugh. i want to dance. i want to live.

happiness is waiting for me, for us, just around the corner. its right here. i can almost touch it. but the fear is much greater then my desire to being happy. when you dont have anything, you got nothing to lose. well, right now i got nothing. im petrified of having something. i lost too much in my life. im not sure i can take anymore. i feel like i gave up. im such a coward. when im here i feel better. being here with him reminds me im not alone. we may not be together the way you think, but we are together, we have been on this little boat since the beginning.  the same waves that are crushing him are crushing me as well. we share the same thoughts and same fears and same dreams. can we help each other? can we save each other? can we let go of years of pain? years of self protection and feel safe together? or be afraid together?

now i know why i crossed half a universe. to be with him. he makes me feel like home. something about him is very familiar. i know the sound of his voice. the little noises he makes. i know his smell. and yet i cant look at him. i cant look him in the eye. i know that if i would, my world will crush. my heart wont bare it.   when did i become so weak and afraid? i dont understand why i can go to new places, alone, explore, take risks, hurt myself, be honest with myself…. im so strong, but right now i feel so weak. i thank god he fell asleep. if he wakes up now i would cry. he wont understand. or maybe he would. he cant help me. no one can. its amazing how much pain we can carry with us from childhood. i guess some people are juts more sensitive then others. we are the artists. we walk in the streets just like you but our soul is wounded. we are bleeding but none of you offers to help.

i feel like writing for ever. i feel like if i’ll stop writing i will be alone again. right now this computer is all i have. my only friend. we communicate.  i tell him things no one else knows. he listens. im afraid of the darkness that will eat me alive when i shut this computer down. he is in the next room but feels so far. unreachable. we both have our little worlds and no one else is allowed in. is protecting ourselves really is more important then trying to be happy? i guess so.

i created a world of everything that is real. nature is real. god is real. there is nothing else in this world. no other people. no material things. i got no home. no roots. no family. no one i really care for. i love my world. nothing to lose in this world. took me years to build it. how can i let it go?

he also created his own world. he got himself totally isolated.  he lives in a virtual world. we have created the same world actually. nature. god. no people. no home. no family. no one to care for.

why am i here? how long am i going to stay here for? and then what?  i dont want to think about it. i want to just….. be.

3 comments Jam1000000amMon, 28 Jan 2008 01:10:45 +000008 23, 2007

a story about a girl 2

it was her last day on the island. she refused to leave it without one last adventure. she woke up early just like any other day, took a nice long shower, got her usual watermelon juice and went to explore the island some more.

it was a beautiful sunny day. birds were everywhere. she felt good. smiling to people. waving to the local kids. taking a few pictures on the way. then she saw something she havent noticed before. it was a path. right between the trees. it was a small path but still a path. with no doubt in her heart she took it. started walking between the trees and flowers. not a person was around. no cars. no noise. no houses. nothing but the sound of the ocean not too far ahead. she kept walking.  hearing snakes and other unwelcoming animals she did not stop. if you only knew how stubborn she was. no snake in the world can stop this girl from an adventure. after some time she saw it. it was perfect. the most beautiful shore ever. clean white sand. clear blue water. coconut trees. and the best part- not a soul was around.no foot prints on the sand. no boats. no dead fish. nothing but nature with all its glory. there was only one problem. how to get to there? she saw it. so close and yet so far away. the girl closed her eyes. she does that frequently whenever she wants to listen to her heart for an advise. with a green light from her beloved heart she decided to keep on going and find the way to that private beach.

she started climbing a small hill. not so bad she thought to herself. then another hill. then another. the sun showed no mercy. the girl was getting tired and to be honest a little scared she wont find her way back. but as i mentioned before, stubborn.  after a nice long walk she stopped. looking around, she realized she was lost. no idea where she was or how to go back.  great. it was 3pm already and it gets dark at 6pm. not knowing what to do she sat on the ground and started singing. she does that whenever she freaks out. after a few songs and a few red ants walking all over her she decided to keep looking for that beach and not try and go back. did i mention already she was a bit stubborn at times…

by 4pm she was there. she found it. it was even more beautiful then she remembered. better then a picture. and it was hers. gods little gift to her. and just like any other normal person would do, she took off all her clothes and ran to the water. cold! it was perfect. for the first time in years the girl felt so alive and so beautiful she couldnt help it and started crying. of course. tears of joy ran over her pink cheeks into the ocean.

she sat on the shore and listened to her classical music. that made her cry even more. then, standing there naked alone with nature, a boat came out of nowhere. 7 tourists  looked very happy to see her, waving and taking pictures. she wasnt embarrassed. she was a bit shocked maybe, and found the whole thing to be really really funny. she waved back and sat back down still laughing.

she started getting a little tired and closed her eyes for a few minutes. then a mans voice with a french accent woke her up, asking if he can join her. she opened her eyes and saw a very naked guy in front of her. why not she could use the company.

two strangers. sitting naked in a foreign country. on a deserted island. looking at the sunset in silence. they sat there like that for more then two hours. it was time to go. they got up. looking at each other. realizing how strange the whole thing was, they both started laughing. he took the girls hand and kissed it. she blushed. they got dressed and walked hand in hand on the shore. he gave her a ride home. then said goodbye.

the girl stood there. thinking about the entire day. appreciating her life. loving the world. loving herself. and thanking god for this wonderful little adventure she had today.

the girl went to bed. not knowing what tomorrow will bring. what new exciting adventure. new people. new places. new dreams. a new day.
she was happy.

Add a comment Jam1000000amSat, 19 Jan 2008 06:10:02 +000008 23, 2007

what have i done??

oy the mess ive made. i really need some professional help. ok so heres my problem. i told my boyfriend i have to go to thailand and i had a bunch of stupid reasons why i had to go. we broke up a night before i left. i was even sad! i like the guy. i think he’s funny and thats a lot for me. i love waking up with him in the morning. he is a very good huger. he loves old movies. he travelled more then me (!). he hates cats maybe thats why i left, lol. loves ice cream. knows when to shut me up. good guy really. a person that wasnt left as a kid again and again cant know the fear i have of being left again so i leave first.

anyway, im on the plane talking to this italian guy next to me eating something….. indian i guess. i land in bangkok and check my emails. great. i get a stupid advice from this guy telling me not to leave. and i get an email from R telling me he is on his way to be with me. great! what happened to i need to work? got a test next week? unbelievable. so now he is here with me. and i want to die.

do i complain too much? i just read what i wrote and i do bitch a lot. a nice guy is here with me on this beautiful island. no reason to be scared. at these times i really love israel. its far far away and people are too scared of going there. lol. im such an easy going person i should relax and have a good time.

but if he’s gonna ask me to marry him and i run away again im becoming a nun and thats final! ok my ride is here im gonna go.

E- im worried about you. you cant send me this email and not respond again. i told you that if you need me im there for you. if youre in trouble i can fly anywhere and be with you. canada, mexico, europe you name it and im there. lihiavr@gmail.com. im not sure whats going on but i promise you that youre not alone! 

well wish me luck! 

Add a comment Jam1000000amTue, 08 Jan 2008 00:08:11 +000008 23, 2007

wish you were here i can use a hug…

i hate the fact that youre not here. you should sit by my side right now and hold me. you always knew the right thing to say. you always knew how to make me smile. well i need you right now. i know i dont say that very often. maybe i should. but i woke up this morning missing you. you are my best friend. my closest lover. and youre not here when i really need you. so i decided to pretend and write to you.

im flying tomorrow. leaving india. leaving him. and i dont want to leave. why do i always leave? well i was thinking about it last night and woke up with that same thought this morning. if youll be here next to me you might say that he is not the right guy for me. that im not ready. that its not the right time in my life right now to commit. youre right. really you are. but there is more. there is something else that stops me every time from going all the way. and its not what my mind tells me. you wanna know what it is? its simple really. in one word, fear.

im sure you want to know how can a girl like me still get scared. well i gotta tell you, not many things scare me. im scared of the dark did i tell you that? and im scared of bugs. the big ones but i think you knew that already. and im scared of love. i want it but only when i can control it and leave it when the time is right. any other type of love i cant handle.

as you know i like to be in control of my own life. fear has no place in my life. so i need to get over it. im working on my fear from darkness. i didnt take my flashlight with me this time and i think its getting better. if i walk alone in the dark i found that singing to myself really helps.

bugs. oy thats a big problem. last bug i had in my appartment got my house key and the whole house to himself. now on the train to goa i had bugs all over my bed. ok i freaked out a little but after a few hours and lots of yaniv ( card game ) i relaxed and went to sleep. knowing that they are walking all over me. so you see im getting better!

but love. thats a tricky one. first guy i left was baruch. he really loved me for years. and he was such a good guy. i remember all the excuses my mind told me. im too young. he is not right for me. he is too nice. it wont work we are too different. you know the regular bullshit we tell ourselves till we really believe it.

then i believe it was itamar. another great guy and i really liked him. but nope. i was travelling. i was too young. he was really honest about the way he felt and that scared me even more. we only knew each other for a short time. and so on.

then it was david. ok you all know the story no point of saying it again. lets just say i left. in my mind i was too young. far away from home. no job. we were both too lost. can two wrongs make it right? he was in a cult. he stole my bag. and so on.

then it was keith. ok with this one i know i left for a good reason. we were not right for each other. really! no mind excuses. you gotta believe me.

then it was… david again. only he left this time. but if i’ll be honest with you he was just faster then me. we both knew it wont work. thats why i cant be mad at him cause i know how he feels.

now its you know who, we can call him R , who is a very nice guy. i really like him. i know he likes me. but oh wait it wont work. he is too young. lives in india. what does he know about love? so what if we get along great and have fun together? it wont work. plus i have a flight tomorrow. gotta fly! its booked!

ok so im going to be alone again in just a few hours. am i sad? yes and no. no because i know there will be someone else soon. and yes because i know i would leave again.

because youre my best friend and such a good listener btw, im gonna share something with you. im gonna tell you why im always leaving. im gonna tell you why i cant stop running away. its personal so keep it to yourself. its because its not real. when i was born i believed in love. i wanted it and i needed it. but then slowly people left me. first to leave was my dad. after him it was a snowball effect. they all left. they all loved me and yet they all had a great reason to leave me.

so people like us, who got left behind so many times, we get scared. even now when we are all grown up, we are scared. its more then just fear. we just cant do it. we can do it for a while. we can date. we can say i love you. we can even mean it sometimes. but its only a matter of time till that little voice inside tells us its time to move on. its time to run again. dont get too comfortable here. and then we collect a nice big pile of excuses to leave and do.

so i guess that in order to break this cycle i need to stay here with R, cancel my flight and tell him i love him. but of-course i wont. im going to be on that plane tomorrow. im gonna be looking out of my little window and smile. a relieved sad smile. then im gonna tell myself that with the next one i wont run. thats it. its a promise. promise my ass. i cant do it.

so now tell me, what do you think? got a good advice for me? uff i really need you right now. you would know the right thing to say. i miss you… 

2 comments Jam1000000amFri, 04 Jan 2008 01:19:59 +000008 23, 2007

forgiveness.

i had a very emotional day yesterday. i was explained for the first time how important is to forgive others. on so many levels. to be honest with you, i thought i did already forgive everyone, but i was wrong. last night i took some time for myself. i was alone with my thoughts. i thought of all the people that hurt once before. some of these people are still very much in my life, others are not.  but thats not the point. we all met for a reason. and i remember all of them because they made in impact on my life.  after 4 hours alone in my room thinking about the past i was ready to let it all go. and this is why im writing this today.  lets start.

first place goes to my dad. you were the first to introduce me with pain. you hurt me time and time again and shaped the person i am today. you left me. you never looked back. for 21 years of my life i was in the dark, asking myself why. thinking its my fault. im done. i dont hate you. im not angry. no more pain. its in the past. I FORGIVE YOU.

second place goes to my mom. you made me unhappy for years. you made me feel im not good enough. you made me feel im not beautiful. you told me to stay away from my dad. you showed my how alone can one person really be. you never really cared. you never really loved. you used a lot of guilt to get your way. its done. its in the past. I FORGIVE YOU.

third place goes to me. i hurt myself so many times already. hurt my body. hurt my soul. i dated men that werent good for me. i listened to the wrong people. i was lazy. i was weak. i was scared. i was a sheep. its in the past.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.

well these are the ones that are still in my life.

L- you really hurt me when i was 19 years old. you used your power and used me. that was wrong. i had no way out. you were stronger. im ready to let go. i forgive you.

E- wow such a long time ago and i still remember it. you told so many lies about me. we were so young. i still dont know why you did it. but its time to let it go. i forgive you.

S- you said youll always be there for me. always. i was a child. i believed you. you left when i was 8 years old. you were my last straw. i stopped trusting people because of that. it was a good lesson to learn. its in the past. i forgive you.

D- you broke my heart. you made me believe again. you took it away with no explanation. i had a few good memories and you stole them from me. you left me with nothing. but now i found what i was looking for. im ok. its in the past. i forgive you.

i think im done here.

to all the people i hurt in the past, i hope you will forgive me some day.

for a new beginning!

6 comments Jam12000000amSat, 15 Dec 2007 01:36:44 +000007 23, 2007

lets talk!

close you eyes. think of a problem you have. now open your eyes. is this problem from your past, present or future? most likely its from your past or future.

my teacher asked me that a while ago. everyone in class had some problem. i was the only black sheep. the only problem i had at the moment was my hair. there was no hot water in the morning ( its india it happends ) so i didnt wash my hair. oy the mess!!!

my teacher was surprised by my answer and laughted at me. he was looking for a real problem. i told him i have no problems. the past is gone and i learned from it and why think about the future?? wheres the fun in that? i live here. right now.

i have been throught a lot in my life already. i had my share of ups and downs. i had faith and lost it and found it again. i loved and got my heart broken like everyone else ( if youre lucky! ).

8 months ago i wanted to die. no joke. i really wanted to die. no because i was unhappy. well i was unhappy but that wasnt the reason. i simply had enough. i understood what life was all about. i got it. and i had enough. i didnt want to take a part of this game anymore.

that day, the day i wanted to die, was the best day of my life. no im not crazy. i needed that fall. it was the hardest fall of my life. i had no faith. no dreams. no love. no nothing. it was great. the best lesson god have ever showed me. i feel so greatfull.

no matter how stupid or blind i was, he never gave up on me. slowly he showed me my path again. i had to fall. a new person is growing now. i like this one. i can live with this one. i have a new dream. its a great one. ( sorry not sharing….)

its the holiday season. all over the world. some are happy. some are sad. some are alone.

for the happy ones i want to say happy holiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for the sad ones i want to say- life is too short for this crap.  go stand infront of a mirror and smile like an idiot for 10 minutes. stare at yourself. dont tell anyone youre doing this youre strange enough…. but trust me youll feel better!!

for all of you who feel alone- i want to say one thing.  we are never alone. maybe theres no one sharing your bed at night. maybe you eat breakfast on your own. maybe you work hard every day and go back to an empty house. maybe you got no one to say “i love you” and mean it. maybe no one knows who you really are. maybe you celebrate your birthday alone. maybe you have lots of people around you all day and you care about none of them.

we all felt that way before. and we will again. unless you realize something. realize that you and i are conected. ok maybe you dont know me. dont know my name. dont know how old i am. dont know where i live or which ice cream i love the most ( all of them!! ), but you know ME. my soul. you know i was born. you know i will die. you know i cry. you know i get scared. you know i fell in love. you know i lost. you know i worked. you know i bled. you know i sleep. you know i dream. you know everything there is to know about me that means something. same goes with my mom. you know my mom. you know my family. you know my friends. you know the whole world. we are all conected. you are never alone.

if all that didnt work and you still feel alone email me. lets talk. im a good listener. ok thats a lie. im a bad listener. but i can make you smile. and sometimes that all we need.

happy holidays!!!

for my family:

sorry i didnt write for a long time. india is wonderful!! im so happy to be here. my course is almost over and im leaving rishikesh in a week. going to agra next and then maybe goa. after that i dont know. should be home by april but dont count on it. i miss you! all my love. likush.

Add a comment Jam12000000amTue, 11 Dec 2007 05:49:36 +000007 23, 2007

a story about a girl.

i am eight years old today. my dad left the house a long time ago. its just me and my mom now. everything is different now. my world is not safe anymore. im going to school every day. i dont like it. i have a nice teacher and she is being very nice to me. my mom told her whats going on in my life and she feels sorry for me. i hate doing homework. i hate being in class. my mind wonders. he doesnt listen to me. he doest know time and space. he goes everywhere. he is truly free.

its time to go home now. im walking. its nice out. im taking my time. dont really feel like going to an empty house. but its a short walk and now im there. just as i remembered it, empty. i wash my hands. im making lunch. im done. now what? five more hours to be alone. im going downstairs to play with the street cats. i like them all but there is one i really love. her name is mitsi. she is black and white. we get each other. she cares about me. i can feel it. i sit on the ground and talk to her for hours. she listens to every word i say. then it gets dark. a little cold. i say good night to mitsi and go home. i forgot how empty it was. two more hours and my mom is coming back. i cant wait. i dont know why i want her here, she never cares. all she wants to know is how was my day at school. and if im done with my homework. she doesnt care about my long talk with mitsi. or how empty this house feels to me. or how much i miss my dad.

i made it. she is back. she asked me if i ate. i say yes. and yes to the homework question. and yes, i had a nice day at school today mom. wanna hear about mitsi? why not?? she is all i’ve got!! she is my friend. you should care. its pointless i know. im taking a shower. taking a book and going to bed. i love this book. its about this kid with red hair that feels different from everyone else. i know the feeling im trying to tell him. yeah, i like that book. i read it so many times already.  oh man my mom just tured off the lights. its bed time she says. i told her so many times i have to finish my book. she doesnt read. she doesnt know. i got my flashlight under my pillow. i finish my book. im going to sleep.

i wake up in the morning. the pigeons woke me up again. im staring at the wall. not getting out of bed yet. im trying to understand whats the point of doing this one day over and over again. i mean today is going to be just like yesterday. and tomorrow is going to be just the same as today. is this life? it this it?? i get out of bed. i brush my teeth. wash my face. get dressed. locking the door and going to school. its a nice day out. mitsi is no here. i cant find her. but i know she will be waiting for me when i get back. another boring day at school. in my mind i was flying far away. just opened the window and flew away. what a great feeling. the wind is playing with me. from up here my school looks like a little toy.  i dont know where to fly. all i know is my neighborhood. im tired of flying and going back to school. what choice do i have? the teacher is still talking!! why do people talk so much? what is she talking about? why cant i hear her? it it hebrew?? whats going on with the bell today?? taking it forever….. oh its about time.

walking home.  yep just as i thought, still empty. god i hate this place. doing my homework. making lunch. eating. how alone can one person be?? i cant hear mitsi. going to look for her. im walking around calling her. nothing. i cant believe she left me as well! why is everyone leaving me all the time? i remind myself that mitsi loves me and she wouldnt do that to me. i decide to keep looking. its night time. mom is back. im crying. for the first time she cares. we go out to look for her together. its 8pm. its late. its my book time. but mitsi is much more important then my book. and i know she would do the same for me. then one of my neighbours sees up and talks to my mom. i cant hear them but i know its not good. i can see my moms face changes. she grabs my hand and takes me home. i wanna know whats wrong. she doesnt say anything. so annoying. is it about my dad?? is he coming back? is it about mitsi? someone saw her? what is it? tell me im a big girl i can take it. when we get home we sit on the sofa and she tells me. the neigbour from the fourth floor gave mitsi some food today. poisoned food. she is dead. mitsi is gone. i dont understand. she explains it to me again. she made too much noise. he didnt like her. so he killed her. i couldnt move. i couldnt feel. i wasnt sad. i didnt care. and then something happened. something moved. inside me something moved. i heard a noise. my fucking heart just broke. i snapped. i left the apartment and went to that neighbour. i never yelled before. i never misbehaved before. i hated him. i hated everyone. why????? why did he do it? she was my friend. now im truly alone.

alone. 

6 comments Jam11000000amSun, 11 Nov 2007 09:56:23 +000007 23, 2007

a moment in life

people are only there for you when its convenient for them.  they can be great listeners. give you a wonderful advise. as long as its the right time for them to do so.

im a happy person. i enjoy my life. i have a great life. but every now and then i do need some extra attention. my boyfriend is a wonderful man. really he is. he is always there for me. he loves me too much really. im lucky to have him. but right now i feel sad. i feel alone. i need some love. a few nice words. 5 minutes of his time. but he’s at work. he cant be here for me now when i really need him. do i have the right to be pissed? i mean normal people have jobs. they are all slaves to the system.

dont you think that people should be more important then a job? is it just me? i know im impulsive, but if someone needs me im there no matter what. nothing can stop me. is it too much to expect the same from the ones you love?

now i listened to some music, cried for a minute or two and now i feel better. seems like the only person who is always there for me is me. can we trust other people to be there when we need them the most? if we cant, whats the point of having people around you?

i guess i ask for too much. he is there for me like 90% of the time. and i know he rather talk to me then do anything else. i guess i need to grow up a bit… just kidding. why would i do that for?

oh, to all of you who dont know whats going on in my life right now, well, not much really. we got a new dog. he is amazing! his name is Terri. im going to asia in 4 days. and after that i believe spain, but i cant plan too much ahead you know me.  my mom and my brother are doing so much better. and im doing great. im really happy.

sunshine, still reading your blog! love it!! thanks for reading. missed you too!!

3 comments Jpm11000000pmFri, 09 Nov 2007 14:01:52 +000007 23, 2007

five minute faith

i woke up this morning not knowing how my day’s gonna look like. my mom asked me to go with her to s.o.s and look for a dog. we went there and it was still early so we went to the local church there. it was beautiful. i couldnt walk in cause i had a short skirt on but i looked from the outside and had a few quiet moments to look at my life. and let me tell you something, its not a bad life. i feel like im on my way to become the person i want to be.  i felt happy.

then we went to see the dogs. after a few minutes a started crying. then we left. we decided to go to the beach. we walked for 20 minutes, was a beautiful day, then we got to a little restaurant and sat there, had breakfast.

yesterday my mom cried. its really hard for me to see her cry. we grew up together. we have gone through so much together. anyway, she had a bad day yesterday and in the evening she broke down and cried.

so today at the restaurant she started talking. its very hard for her to open up so when she does i feel very proud of her.

she told me she was drowning. she cant breath. she is 50 years old, with a little kid, no money or a job. she doesnt want any more men in her life cause they just use her. all she is is a pretty face. her soul is dead. she is empty. she fell hard and she cant stand on her own feet again.

my mom was always beautiful. i used to hate her for it when i was a kid. she always had a man in her life. two husbands. two kids. two mistakes. she had me when she was 20 years old.  i lost my childhood when i was 4 years old. i had to fight for everything. and i had to fight alone. my mom had to fight as well, but she always took the easy way out and i took the hard one.

today for the first time my mom said she wants to be more like me. strong and aware of her faults. not afraid to change. explore. try. fall. cry. live.

i listened. not sure what to say. not sure how to react. i do think im strong. i know what i want in life. i know where im headed. i know who i am. 

i want something normal in my life. im so scared of being like her when it comes to men. all this time i was with david…….. such a mistake. i was so weak. i couldnt believe a man could really love me. he treated me like shit and i let him. why? whats wrong with me? two months ago i decided enough is enough and put a stop to it all. the david issue is closed. now the only question is can i be in a good relationship? am i strong enough to break that cicle? or will i keep going the lonely path i chose for myself a long time ago?

i feel so alone righ now with on one to talk to. why do we feel this why? i know that if i’ll pick up the phone and talk to liat i’ll feel better in a minute.  but i dont do that. i choose to do it all alone.

is there a man strong enough for me?

i’ll be honest with you. i do love someone. i think he loves me as well. but is he strong enough? will he be good to me? will he make me happy? will he know my soul? will he help me grow as a person?  and what about me? can i make him happy? can i make anyone happy? i told him im gonna think about it. but i cant. i cant think about it. i need to feel. and right now i dont know what i feel. im scared. so i hope he’ll understand. im not going to think. im gonna wait for a feeling. when the moment comes i will know and it wont be so hard.

i dont know if theres a god or anyone that looks after us. but right now i wanna think there is. and i wanna say thank you. thank you for everything. for the person that i am. for riva. for the last few days. for what ive learned. for not giving up on me when i gave up on myself. for keith and his love. and with that let me say a little prayer.

help me make the right decision. i never asked for anything. i need your help with this one. a hint is all i need. thanks.

love.

5 comments Jam10000000amSun, 21 Oct 2007 10:49:44 +000007 23, 2007