Posts filed under: ‘nature‘
just me and the ocean.
its dark out. peaceful. the wind is telling me what she saw today. im looking out the window and i see the ocean. but its an illusion . the ocean is inside me. the waves crushing is my heart beating, showing me im still alive. im scared but something is telling me not to be. not this time. i feel safe. i feel alone, so alone, and it feels good.
the house is shacking. i love that feeling. nothing is stable. no safe ground to walk on. no safe thoughts. no safe feelings. my heart spoke to me today. my wall is falling down. i cant let that happen. and its still there. its not dead like i thought. i want to run. just leave everything here, open the door and run. but i cant move. im paralyzed. i cant feel my body. all i can hear is my heart beating. i want to cry. i want to scream. i want to laugh. i want to dance. i want to live.
happiness is waiting for me, for us, just around the corner. its right here. i can almost touch it. but the fear is much greater then my desire to being happy. when you dont have anything, you got nothing to lose. well, right now i got nothing. im petrified of having something. i lost too much in my life. im not sure i can take anymore. i feel like i gave up. im such a coward. when im here i feel better. being here with him reminds me im not alone. we may not be together the way you think, but we are together, we have been on this little boat since the beginning. the same waves that are crushing him are crushing me as well. we share the same thoughts and same fears and same dreams. can we help each other? can we save each other? can we let go of years of pain? years of self protection and feel safe together? or be afraid together?
now i know why i crossed half a universe. to be with him. he makes me feel like home. something about him is very familiar. i know the sound of his voice. the little noises he makes. i know his smell. and yet i cant look at him. i cant look him in the eye. i know that if i would, my world will crush. my heart wont bare it. when did i become so weak and afraid? i dont understand why i can go to new places, alone, explore, take risks, hurt myself, be honest with myself…. im so strong, but right now i feel so weak. i thank god he fell asleep. if he wakes up now i would cry. he wont understand. or maybe he would. he cant help me. no one can. its amazing how much pain we can carry with us from childhood. i guess some people are juts more sensitive then others. we are the artists. we walk in the streets just like you but our soul is wounded. we are bleeding but none of you offers to help.
i feel like writing for ever. i feel like if i’ll stop writing i will be alone again. right now this computer is all i have. my only friend. we communicate. i tell him things no one else knows. he listens. im afraid of the darkness that will eat me alive when i shut this computer down. he is in the next room but feels so far. unreachable. we both have our little worlds and no one else is allowed in. is protecting ourselves really is more important then trying to be happy? i guess so.
i created a world of everything that is real. nature is real. god is real. there is nothing else in this world. no other people. no material things. i got no home. no roots. no family. no one i really care for. i love my world. nothing to lose in this world. took me years to build it. how can i let it go?
he also created his own world. he got himself totally isolated. he lives in a virtual world. we have created the same world actually. nature. god. no people. no home. no family. no one to care for.
why am i here? how long am i going to stay here for? and then what? i dont want to think about it. i want to just….. be.
3 comments Jam1000000amMon, 28 Jan 2008 01:10:45 +000008 23, 2007
a story about a girl 2
it was her last day on the island. she refused to leave it without one last adventure. she woke up early just like any other day, took a nice long shower, got her usual watermelon juice and went to explore the island some more.
it was a beautiful sunny day. birds were everywhere. she felt good. smiling to people. waving to the local kids. taking a few pictures on the way. then she saw something she havent noticed before. it was a path. right between the trees. it was a small path but still a path. with no doubt in her heart she took it. started walking between the trees and flowers. not a person was around. no cars. no noise. no houses. nothing but the sound of the ocean not too far ahead. she kept walking. hearing snakes and other unwelcoming animals she did not stop. if you only knew how stubborn she was. no snake in the world can stop this girl from an adventure. after some time she saw it. it was perfect. the most beautiful shore ever. clean white sand. clear blue water. coconut trees. and the best part- not a soul was around.no foot prints on the sand. no boats. no dead fish. nothing but nature with all its glory. there was only one problem. how to get to there? she saw it. so close and yet so far away. the girl closed her eyes. she does that frequently whenever she wants to listen to her heart for an advise. with a green light from her beloved heart she decided to keep on going and find the way to that private beach.
she started climbing a small hill. not so bad she thought to herself. then another hill. then another. the sun showed no mercy. the girl was getting tired and to be honest a little scared she wont find her way back. but as i mentioned before, stubborn. after a nice long walk she stopped. looking around, she realized she was lost. no idea where she was or how to go back. great. it was 3pm already and it gets dark at 6pm. not knowing what to do she sat on the ground and started singing. she does that whenever she freaks out. after a few songs and a few red ants walking all over her she decided to keep looking for that beach and not try and go back. did i mention already she was a bit stubborn at times…
by 4pm she was there. she found it. it was even more beautiful then she remembered. better then a picture. and it was hers. gods little gift to her. and just like any other normal person would do, she took off all her clothes and ran to the water. cold! it was perfect. for the first time in years the girl felt so alive and so beautiful she couldnt help it and started crying. of course. tears of joy ran over her pink cheeks into the ocean.
she sat on the shore and listened to her classical music. that made her cry even more. then, standing there naked alone with nature, a boat came out of nowhere. 7 tourists looked very happy to see her, waving and taking pictures. she wasnt embarrassed. she was a bit shocked maybe, and found the whole thing to be really really funny. she waved back and sat back down still laughing.
she started getting a little tired and closed her eyes for a few minutes. then a mans voice with a french accent woke her up, asking if he can join her. she opened her eyes and saw a very naked guy in front of her. why not she could use the company.
two strangers. sitting naked in a foreign country. on a deserted island. looking at the sunset in silence. they sat there like that for more then two hours. it was time to go. they got up. looking at each other. realizing how strange the whole thing was, they both started laughing. he took the girls hand and kissed it. she blushed. they got dressed and walked hand in hand on the shore. he gave her a ride home. then said goodbye.
the girl stood there. thinking about the entire day. appreciating her life. loving the world. loving herself. and thanking god for this wonderful little adventure she had today.
the girl went to bed. not knowing what tomorrow will bring. what new exciting adventure. new people. new places. new dreams. a new day.
she was happy.
Add a comment Jam1000000amSat, 19 Jan 2008 06:10:02 +000008 23, 2007
i love my life
i just got back from the beach. left on my bike with a bottle of water and a book. didnt even take my shoes with me. im an anti shoe right now. im having such a wonderful day. the weather is fantastic i love it! i cant stop smiling and everyone else seems to be smiling back. its a really good day.
gonna rest for a few hours and then guess where im going?? yeah baby!! the beach is calling me. beach party right after the sun goes down. i have been drinking nothing but water and mojito for the last two weeks. maybe that why i cant stop smiling. no just kiding. life is great if you want them to be.
so, if you feel sad or angry or just so so, smile. it works!!
2 comments Jam7000000amThu, 05 Jul 2007 05:18:15 +000007 23, 2007
the next step.
i have been feeling so calm lately. a little spiritual even. i wanted to write about it but i cant explain it. i feel love all around me. everything around me is made out of pure love. i know what youre thinking mom, im not on drugs, oy. i was talking to a few very interesting people. one of them joined a tribe in africa a few years ago and now he’s back to tell his story. we talked a lot. i can listen to hi story again and again. there is just one thing we both dont understand. why is he back? he was so happy there. and for once in his life he felt belonged to something. why did he leave it all? i can only guess. my guess is this, i think we all want our homes at the end of the day. i travel all over the world, and every few years i make a little stop here. israel is my home. i can rest here. but i cant stay for long. well im going to bolivia and he’s going back to africa.
the change is coming. all my dreams are about that. about the people im about to meet. the great new things im going to learn. i just love a good adventure. do you wanna know what i want? i’ll tell you. i really think its my next step after bolivia.
ok, im sure you all read the Alchemist. great book. i read it a few times already and every time i learn something new. well, this is what i want, i want that long search, that long walk, for days and weeks and months, in the desert a forest i dont care. i want to walk with nature and listen to my heart again and learn the language of the world.
i told you i spoke to a few very interesting people. well the other guy was “santiago”. he’s been doing that for years. he told me his story. truly an amazing guy.
i thought i lost my ability to dream. but i didnt. its coming back to me now. this strong Lihi i used to know is coming back now. i love her. she can move mountains, nothing and no one can stop her. i was so scared i’ll never see her again when all i needed was a little rest.
im ready for the next step.
1 comment Jam7000000amThu, 05 Jul 2007 00:00:03 +000007 23, 2007
me? a mystery??
often i hear people telling me they wish they would understand me better. know whats going on in my head. understand what im going through. find some kind of sense in my actions. i have heard so many times that im a mystery, a riddle they cant figure out. im gonna take you all inside my head. i will share my personal thoughts with you. bear my heart and soul. when im done here, please dont tell me you dont get me anymore.
im not really sure how to do this, i mean im a person, so many thoughts and emotions are running in my head all the time. so im gonna start at a safe place. a day in my life.
well, first you should know that 90% of the time i see everything in black and white. by choice of course. the colors i choose to see are eye colors, i love looking in peoples eyes.i feel like a pervert when i do. you can see a mans deepest secrets in his eyes.
and nature. i love love love nature. green is the best. such a happy color. flowers can make me as happy as a puppy. i can stare at the ocean for hours and let my thoughts drift away. let me look up to the skies and let my imagination go wild.
when i wake up in the morning i always wake up with a smile. 5 minutes of arms and legs all over the place! best part of my day. then i put my music on and get ready to start my day. i hop on my beautiful bike let my hair loose and drive as fast as i can. dont tell my mom, but sometimes i like to close my eyes for 10 seconds and drive. suicadel people tend to do that. there is always music playing in my head, usually cat stevens.
then i go to work and do whatever i want. now, i think i know why youre all so confused about me. its because i do what i want. right? let me explain how i do it. its easy. im a queen. a real live queen. the world is my playground. theres nothing that can stop me, no one can tell me what to do. rules dont apply on me. im here to help when i can, and live my life the way i want. i love to goof around. to sing out laud. to walk in the rain. to run barefoot. to talk to cats. to hug a tree. to cry and laff and get angry and be shy as i pleased and i wont hide it. and i make people laff, i love that too.
you see, its easy for me because i live today. only today. if ill wake up tomorrow, great. but i wont plan it. i understand that my choices in life look stupid and irrational to you. but i have a good life. im a happy person. im only unhappy because of david thats all. i wouldnt change anything for all the money in the world.
there is no fear in my heart because theres nothing that scares me. im not scared of living or dying. i used to be scared. scared of not being happy. not following my heart. after meeting matt and david i changed my life. i dont lie anymore. not to myself or anyone else. and i always, always follow my heart!
am i less of a mystery now? or just a bit more crazy? well, i tried.
talk to you soon….
5 comments Jam6000000amThu, 28 Jun 2007 07:02:14 +000007 23, 2007
good to be back?
well im back, i had a great time, turkey is beautiful and the weather was perfect. we went to antalya and stayed in kemer, the food was amazing and even though i dont eat meat anymore ( yes, again ), i had to try the kabab and it was worth it!
i went to an amazing party that lasted all night where my little brother saw me kissing a guy and i had to explain myself in the morning for 3 hours! wont make that mistake again.
now ladies, if you like a good massage, turkey is the place to do it. it was the most erotic massage ever and i havent been this aroused for years! if you are shy dont do it! he massaged everything and i do mean everything. makes me horney just thinking about it again. so lets move on.
well the beach is beautiful, did some sky diving. and almost died twice. had a lot of time for myself to think in between meals and i feel much more relaxed now.
for all of you who are waiting to see some pictures, yes, i took some, where’s the trust?!? not too many but still, im getting better.
oh oh i forgot to tell you, and this is still a big maybe, but i think i found my farm. its in brazil, its a little small but with all the money i gave my mom thats really all i can afford right now, its got a little house with 3 bedrooms, and 4 sheeps. have no idea what to do with a sheep but hey, i can learn. it will be available in december and i actually know the owners. my dream might actually come true!!! ha ha. i will keep you posted.
have to get some sleep now cause im working in a few hours, but ill write some more details tomorrow.
good night!!!
4 comments Jam6000000amSun, 24 Jun 2007 11:52:22 +000007 23, 2007
the unknown
i cant believe that yet again im going towards the unknown. why am i doing that to myself? im thinking that all i really want is to find a small quiet place and to be left alone. but i have to ask myself, is that really all i want? cause i can do that in israel, it would be much simpler and yet i choose to go as far as i can and dissapear. vanish into the unknown. when im around people who dont know me, dont know my past, well, they think im a happy person, that i enjoy life, and i love that. helps me remember the person i used to be.
i started telling people that im not going to college and im leaving the country again. you really have to see their faces when i tell them. i know im such a big dissapointment to all of them. they dont understand i cant help it. im not happy about the decisions im making but i cant help it. i have to go. have to. so dont make it harder for me then it already is, be there for me just like im always there for you when you need me.
and to answer you question, no i’ll never stop this life style. this is who i am. this is what i do best. i run away from life. ive become really good at it. so just be there to catch me when i fall, thats all i ask of you.
pray for me…..
5 comments Jam6000000amThu, 21 Jun 2007 03:34:49 +000007 23, 2007
its beach time!
i know its not easy but please try to follow!
no im not leaving to south america tomorrow. tomorrow im flying to turkey for a few days. its beach time. i love the beach so much. i always get emotional when i look at that big beautiful blue ocean.
the beach really saved me when i got back to Israel two months ago. i didn’t leave the beach for 2 weeks till i felt strong enough to face the world. after Bolivia im going to Costa Rica, ill be on the beach for 2 weeks and do nothing! im not great at doing nothing im a bit hyper at times, but i promised myself to do just that.
and yes ill take pictures, lots of them. no worries.
shira, heard you’re going to Argentina in September! amazing. let me know if you need a place to stay, got a lot of friends there. have a good time!
1 comment Jam6000000amWed, 20 Jun 2007 10:00:31 +000007 23, 2007
my dream
one of my childhood dreams was to have my own farm. have a few animals and a little garden, and i feel like this dream is almost here. i saved some money and im ready to have my own place.
im going to see a few places in south america, if anything feels right im getting it. i have this image in my head i can almost touch it. i didnt tell anyone about this but one good friend. she said it wont happen and i asked her why, she mentioned my little commitment problem. she’s right, i do have a bit of a problem with that. i mean if im gonna get a farm in a different country with 2 horses and a goat and a bunny and a few dogs and cats, i need to commit. not sure how to do that. i never committed to anything in my whole life. so im really gonna work on that right now!
everything i ever wanted, i got. always found my way. fear never stopped me. lack of money never stopped me. im almost 27 and i only have 2 problems i cant solve. one is fear of commitment and the other is David. i really have to fix it somehow.
so, all i need to remember is that life is short and beautiful and fascinating and if i want something i should go and get it. and if a farm is what i want then i shouldn’t let anything stop me. im going for it!
2 comments Jam6000000amTue, 19 Jun 2007 11:42:00 +000007 23, 2007
