a new feeling

i  havent felt this way for so long….

now its back. in a second. its burning within. my whole body is alive but from the inside. i know who i am right now and what i want. at least for a moment. it feels good.

a new year. a frsh start. new hopes. a small dream. one big heart. one god. one moon.

sorry if you have no idea what im talking about. im talking to myself. you can listen.

2010- i would like to wish myself a few things.

i would like to learn how to show what i feel on the inside a bit better.

would love to keep learning and growing with my beautiful son. he is my eyes. my soul. im so inlove with him. such a perfect being.

i would like to feel stronger like i used to without clossing my heart.

i would like to have more beautiful people in my life to learn from.

i wish every feeling being on this planet a moment of peace. a moment of true happiness. a moment of  love. a moment of truth.

happy new year everyone!!!

1 comment Jpm1000000pmSat, 02 Jan 2010 15:14:13 +000010 23, 2007

6 hour answer.

what is it really that i am looking for in this life? i have been thinking about it for the past few days after a good friend brought it up and i had no answer. i felt confused and a little angry for some reason at myself and him. well today i woke up and decided to figure this one out. since this is not the first time that people have asked me that very same question many many times before. took me 6 hours to find my answer. all i needed was some time for myself. a beautiful day. the sun. the beach. some music. then i can think and feel clearly and find find answers.

ok so to all of you curious people out there, and mom, i have an answer for all of you. are you ready?

nothing.

im not looking for anything special. everything i ever wanted i already have. i have known the world. i have known people. i have known friends. i have known love. i had adventures and memories. had so many good and wonderful days and oh so many bad ones. im a generally happy person. yes of course i get sad and lost and confused sometimes but i think thats normal. and this is why i have you, my friends to help me when im down.

i understand my life. i understand my goals. yes i have a goal mom oy.  its just a bit different then the way you live thats all. my goal in life is to live. thats it. i wake up i eat something and i do whatever it is that i feel like doing at that moment. thats my life. you keep asking me about tomorrow when in my head there is no tomorrow. there is only today. there is right now.

i have tried living it your way. i cant do it. i think that you are all wrong. am i smarter then the rest of you…. maybe. or maybe im an idiot and one day will understand what you all tried to tell me all these years. maybe. you never know. or maybe one day youll be 60 and sad and understand me and my life style. maybe.

look im 27 now. i will be 30 soon! not a kid anymore. really. how about giving me some space to do my thing and stop criticizing my life.  i know i take a lot of risks in life but im ready to get hurt. im ready to fall on my face.

i cant tell you if this is how im going to be till the day i die. i change all the time. i learn all the time. i might feel differently some day. i love you when you get married. i love you when you get divorced. i love you when youre happy. im there for you when youre sad. but i never tell you youre making a mistake. even if i think it. its your mistake to make and not mine. and its your job to be there for me when i need you. but dont try to fix me or help poor lihi, because she is doing just fine.

i love that you are worried about me. it shows how much you care and love me.

rakesh, we wouldn’t have met if i wouldn’t have come to goa. and im glad i met you i had a great time. i made a friend.  all im doing in my life is follow my path. hope that answers your question.

love.

1 comment Jpm1000000pmTue, 29 Jan 2008 19:28:18 +000008 23, 2007

just me and the ocean.

its dark out. peaceful.  the wind is telling me what she saw today.  im  looking out the window and i see the ocean.  but  its an  illusion . the ocean is inside me. the waves crushing is my heart beating, showing me im still alive. im  scared but something is telling me not to be. not this time. i feel safe.  i feel alone, so alone, and it feels  good.

the house is shacking. i love that feeling. nothing is stable. no safe ground to walk on. no safe thoughts. no safe feelings. my heart spoke to me today. my wall is falling down. i cant let that happen. and its still there. its not dead like i thought. i want to run. just leave everything here, open the door and run. but i cant move. im paralyzed. i cant feel my body. all i can hear is my heart beating. i want to cry. i want to scream. i want to laugh. i want to dance. i want to live.

happiness is waiting for me, for us, just around the corner. its right here. i can almost touch it. but the fear is much greater then my desire to being happy. when you dont have anything, you got nothing to lose. well, right now i got nothing. im petrified of having something. i lost too much in my life. im not sure i can take anymore. i feel like i gave up. im such a coward. when im here i feel better. being here with him reminds me im not alone. we may not be together the way you think, but we are together, we have been on this little boat since the beginning.  the same waves that are crushing him are crushing me as well. we share the same thoughts and same fears and same dreams. can we help each other? can we save each other? can we let go of years of pain? years of self protection and feel safe together? or be afraid together?

now i know why i crossed half a universe. to be with him. he makes me feel like home. something about him is very familiar. i know the sound of his voice. the little noises he makes. i know his smell. and yet i cant look at him. i cant look him in the eye. i know that if i would, my world will crush. my heart wont bare it.   when did i become so weak and afraid? i dont understand why i can go to new places, alone, explore, take risks, hurt myself, be honest with myself…. im so strong, but right now i feel so weak. i thank god he fell asleep. if he wakes up now i would cry. he wont understand. or maybe he would. he cant help me. no one can. its amazing how much pain we can carry with us from childhood. i guess some people are juts more sensitive then others. we are the artists. we walk in the streets just like you but our soul is wounded. we are bleeding but none of you offers to help.

i feel like writing for ever. i feel like if i’ll stop writing i will be alone again. right now this computer is all i have. my only friend. we communicate.  i tell him things no one else knows. he listens. im afraid of the darkness that will eat me alive when i shut this computer down. he is in the next room but feels so far. unreachable. we both have our little worlds and no one else is allowed in. is protecting ourselves really is more important then trying to be happy? i guess so.

i created a world of everything that is real. nature is real. god is real. there is nothing else in this world. no other people. no material things. i got no home. no roots. no family. no one i really care for. i love my world. nothing to lose in this world. took me years to build it. how can i let it go?

he also created his own world. he got himself totally isolated.  he lives in a virtual world. we have created the same world actually. nature. god. no people. no home. no family. no one to care for.

why am i here? how long am i going to stay here for? and then what?  i dont want to think about it. i want to just….. be.

3 comments Jam1000000amMon, 28 Jan 2008 01:10:45 +000008 23, 2007

live for today!

i was talking to a friend of mine today who is 6 months older then me and celebrating his 28th birthday next month. that is getting really close to the big 30. i havent seen him for a year now and it feels like a few days which shows me how fast time goes by. i will hit 30 in no time. all my friends are married. one is pregnant. and i love them and im happy for them and i think they chose good partners. but they are making me feel even more different then i really am.

my whole life i looked at an age as a number and nothing more. im the same lihi i know and love, i feel the same about marriage and kids. im sorry but for me its a big deal. i wont marry anyone. whats with the preasure?? do you know how hard it is to find someone you really love? well i know. i have looked everywhere. and trust me its not an easy task.

i just talked to my mom, told her where im going she almost had a stroke. every time i talk to her i can feel she is still hoping i would grow up and start making right decisions in my life and be more like other people. oy. why is it so hard to eccept me as i am. im not a bad person. i have met a few people who thought i was lovely. why cant my mom feel the same way? im so tired of feeling im dissapointing her all the time. she keeps saying that all she really wants is for me to be happy. but that a big fat lie. because i am happy. right now. at this moment. is it so hard to believe?

my life is brilliant. im free to go wherever i want. do whatever i want. i enjoy every minute of my life. thats not something a lot of people can say. i dont think my life is a mess. they make perfect sense to me.

live for today!!

1 comment Jam1000000amMon, 21 Jan 2008 05:22:16 +000008 23, 2007

a story about a girl 2

it was her last day on the island. she refused to leave it without one last adventure. she woke up early just like any other day, took a nice long shower, got her usual watermelon juice and went to explore the island some more.

it was a beautiful sunny day. birds were everywhere. she felt good. smiling to people. waving to the local kids. taking a few pictures on the way. then she saw something she havent noticed before. it was a path. right between the trees. it was a small path but still a path. with no doubt in her heart she took it. started walking between the trees and flowers. not a person was around. no cars. no noise. no houses. nothing but the sound of the ocean not too far ahead. she kept walking.  hearing snakes and other unwelcoming animals she did not stop. if you only knew how stubborn she was. no snake in the world can stop this girl from an adventure. after some time she saw it. it was perfect. the most beautiful shore ever. clean white sand. clear blue water. coconut trees. and the best part- not a soul was around.no foot prints on the sand. no boats. no dead fish. nothing but nature with all its glory. there was only one problem. how to get to there? she saw it. so close and yet so far away. the girl closed her eyes. she does that frequently whenever she wants to listen to her heart for an advise. with a green light from her beloved heart she decided to keep on going and find the way to that private beach.

she started climbing a small hill. not so bad she thought to herself. then another hill. then another. the sun showed no mercy. the girl was getting tired and to be honest a little scared she wont find her way back. but as i mentioned before, stubborn.  after a nice long walk she stopped. looking around, she realized she was lost. no idea where she was or how to go back.  great. it was 3pm already and it gets dark at 6pm. not knowing what to do she sat on the ground and started singing. she does that whenever she freaks out. after a few songs and a few red ants walking all over her she decided to keep looking for that beach and not try and go back. did i mention already she was a bit stubborn at times…

by 4pm she was there. she found it. it was even more beautiful then she remembered. better then a picture. and it was hers. gods little gift to her. and just like any other normal person would do, she took off all her clothes and ran to the water. cold! it was perfect. for the first time in years the girl felt so alive and so beautiful she couldnt help it and started crying. of course. tears of joy ran over her pink cheeks into the ocean.

she sat on the shore and listened to her classical music. that made her cry even more. then, standing there naked alone with nature, a boat came out of nowhere. 7 tourists  looked very happy to see her, waving and taking pictures. she wasnt embarrassed. she was a bit shocked maybe, and found the whole thing to be really really funny. she waved back and sat back down still laughing.

she started getting a little tired and closed her eyes for a few minutes. then a mans voice with a french accent woke her up, asking if he can join her. she opened her eyes and saw a very naked guy in front of her. why not she could use the company.

two strangers. sitting naked in a foreign country. on a deserted island. looking at the sunset in silence. they sat there like that for more then two hours. it was time to go. they got up. looking at each other. realizing how strange the whole thing was, they both started laughing. he took the girls hand and kissed it. she blushed. they got dressed and walked hand in hand on the shore. he gave her a ride home. then said goodbye.

the girl stood there. thinking about the entire day. appreciating her life. loving the world. loving herself. and thanking god for this wonderful little adventure she had today.

the girl went to bed. not knowing what tomorrow will bring. what new exciting adventure. new people. new places. new dreams. a new day.
she was happy.

Add a comment Jam1000000amSat, 19 Jan 2008 06:10:02 +000008 23, 2007

lets talk!

close you eyes. think of a problem you have. now open your eyes. is this problem from your past, present or future? most likely its from your past or future.

my teacher asked me that a while ago. everyone in class had some problem. i was the only black sheep. the only problem i had at the moment was my hair. there was no hot water in the morning ( its india it happends ) so i didnt wash my hair. oy the mess!!!

my teacher was surprised by my answer and laughted at me. he was looking for a real problem. i told him i have no problems. the past is gone and i learned from it and why think about the future?? wheres the fun in that? i live here. right now.

i have been throught a lot in my life already. i had my share of ups and downs. i had faith and lost it and found it again. i loved and got my heart broken like everyone else ( if youre lucky! ).

8 months ago i wanted to die. no joke. i really wanted to die. no because i was unhappy. well i was unhappy but that wasnt the reason. i simply had enough. i understood what life was all about. i got it. and i had enough. i didnt want to take a part of this game anymore.

that day, the day i wanted to die, was the best day of my life. no im not crazy. i needed that fall. it was the hardest fall of my life. i had no faith. no dreams. no love. no nothing. it was great. the best lesson god have ever showed me. i feel so greatfull.

no matter how stupid or blind i was, he never gave up on me. slowly he showed me my path again. i had to fall. a new person is growing now. i like this one. i can live with this one. i have a new dream. its a great one. ( sorry not sharing….)

its the holiday season. all over the world. some are happy. some are sad. some are alone.

for the happy ones i want to say happy holiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for the sad ones i want to say- life is too short for this crap.  go stand infront of a mirror and smile like an idiot for 10 minutes. stare at yourself. dont tell anyone youre doing this youre strange enough…. but trust me youll feel better!!

for all of you who feel alone- i want to say one thing.  we are never alone. maybe theres no one sharing your bed at night. maybe you eat breakfast on your own. maybe you work hard every day and go back to an empty house. maybe you got no one to say “i love you” and mean it. maybe no one knows who you really are. maybe you celebrate your birthday alone. maybe you have lots of people around you all day and you care about none of them.

we all felt that way before. and we will again. unless you realize something. realize that you and i are conected. ok maybe you dont know me. dont know my name. dont know how old i am. dont know where i live or which ice cream i love the most ( all of them!! ), but you know ME. my soul. you know i was born. you know i will die. you know i cry. you know i get scared. you know i fell in love. you know i lost. you know i worked. you know i bled. you know i sleep. you know i dream. you know everything there is to know about me that means something. same goes with my mom. you know my mom. you know my family. you know my friends. you know the whole world. we are all conected. you are never alone.

if all that didnt work and you still feel alone email me. lets talk. im a good listener. ok thats a lie. im a bad listener. but i can make you smile. and sometimes that all we need.

happy holidays!!!

for my family:

sorry i didnt write for a long time. india is wonderful!! im so happy to be here. my course is almost over and im leaving rishikesh in a week. going to agra next and then maybe goa. after that i dont know. should be home by april but dont count on it. i miss you! all my love. likush.

Add a comment Jam12000000amTue, 11 Dec 2007 05:49:36 +000007 23, 2007

growth

i cant tell you how much i wanted to disappear. be truly on my own. to be in a place where no one could reach me. this was my dream for a long long time. its not anymore. something changed. ive changed during these past 8 months. i have god to thank for that.

im in india at the moment, and im very much in love with this place. im alone here but dont feel alone for a second. god and i weren’t this close in years. so many things in my life make sense for the first time. im heading to Thailand in a few weeks. a new chapter in my life. im so happy. im so very much content.

i really see god in my life every day all day now. i was thinking a lot about my past. and i really believe that one of the main points in my life happened when i was 21 and met matt and david. they both showed me something beautiful and changed my life forever. i no longer talk to any of them but i have them both in my heart and will thank them forever. they will never know why and how they did it but now i see why i had to meet them both.

i feel less and less confused with each day that im here. i feel whole again. i feel like i finally have a goal in life. i have learned so much here about life, people and myself. from such a sad and alone child im growing to be a happy beautiful woman. i wish i had a way to make more people feel this way. so many of us are lost and alone and confused. instead of realizing that we are all really just one body and help each other more so we wont feel so alone, we push each other even more away from each other and feel even more alone.

for one minute i wish i had really really long arms so i could give you all a hug. since i cant do that use your imagination!

i love you all really. not sure who wished me happy chanuka but thanks!!!!!

happy chanuka everyone!!

2 comments Jam12000000amFri, 07 Dec 2007 01:21:17 +000007 23, 2007

five minute faith

i woke up this morning not knowing how my day’s gonna look like. my mom asked me to go with her to s.o.s and look for a dog. we went there and it was still early so we went to the local church there. it was beautiful. i couldnt walk in cause i had a short skirt on but i looked from the outside and had a few quiet moments to look at my life. and let me tell you something, its not a bad life. i feel like im on my way to become the person i want to be.  i felt happy.

then we went to see the dogs. after a few minutes a started crying. then we left. we decided to go to the beach. we walked for 20 minutes, was a beautiful day, then we got to a little restaurant and sat there, had breakfast.

yesterday my mom cried. its really hard for me to see her cry. we grew up together. we have gone through so much together. anyway, she had a bad day yesterday and in the evening she broke down and cried.

so today at the restaurant she started talking. its very hard for her to open up so when she does i feel very proud of her.

she told me she was drowning. she cant breath. she is 50 years old, with a little kid, no money or a job. she doesnt want any more men in her life cause they just use her. all she is is a pretty face. her soul is dead. she is empty. she fell hard and she cant stand on her own feet again.

my mom was always beautiful. i used to hate her for it when i was a kid. she always had a man in her life. two husbands. two kids. two mistakes. she had me when she was 20 years old.  i lost my childhood when i was 4 years old. i had to fight for everything. and i had to fight alone. my mom had to fight as well, but she always took the easy way out and i took the hard one.

today for the first time my mom said she wants to be more like me. strong and aware of her faults. not afraid to change. explore. try. fall. cry. live.

i listened. not sure what to say. not sure how to react. i do think im strong. i know what i want in life. i know where im headed. i know who i am. 

i want something normal in my life. im so scared of being like her when it comes to men. all this time i was with david…….. such a mistake. i was so weak. i couldnt believe a man could really love me. he treated me like shit and i let him. why? whats wrong with me? two months ago i decided enough is enough and put a stop to it all. the david issue is closed. now the only question is can i be in a good relationship? am i strong enough to break that cicle? or will i keep going the lonely path i chose for myself a long time ago?

i feel so alone righ now with on one to talk to. why do we feel this why? i know that if i’ll pick up the phone and talk to liat i’ll feel better in a minute.  but i dont do that. i choose to do it all alone.

is there a man strong enough for me?

i’ll be honest with you. i do love someone. i think he loves me as well. but is he strong enough? will he be good to me? will he make me happy? will he know my soul? will he help me grow as a person?  and what about me? can i make him happy? can i make anyone happy? i told him im gonna think about it. but i cant. i cant think about it. i need to feel. and right now i dont know what i feel. im scared. so i hope he’ll understand. im not going to think. im gonna wait for a feeling. when the moment comes i will know and it wont be so hard.

i dont know if theres a god or anyone that looks after us. but right now i wanna think there is. and i wanna say thank you. thank you for everything. for the person that i am. for riva. for the last few days. for what ive learned. for not giving up on me when i gave up on myself. for keith and his love. and with that let me say a little prayer.

help me make the right decision. i never asked for anything. i need your help with this one. a hint is all i need. thanks.

love.

5 comments Jam10000000amSun, 21 Oct 2007 10:49:44 +000007 23, 2007

tall dark and….. handsome?

my sexy dark lover asked me to write something. i always write after i make my conclusions about something. i went to south america for three months to grow and change. i have been through so much. now i need some time to realize what i have learned and make it a part of me. all my thoughts right now are a big mish mash. but i told him i will write so lets see…

you know what? i cant do it. there is just too much on my mind right now and i dont know where to start. i wanna tell you about my near death experience in bolivia. i wanna tell you about the amazing birthday i had. about living in the jungle with people that share the same dream as me. about falling out of love with david. about a very lost soul named paul. about the best 46 hours of my life with “him”. about me and keith. about omer.my mom. you see what i mean…. its all too much.

ok i know. i wont tell you about the past. and i wont share my plan for the future. lets talk about right now. and right now my world is omer. for those of you who cant remember he is my eight year old brother who just lost his father a few months ago.

when i look into his eyes i see a grown man. i see an old soul. i see a lot of pain. i see a dark secret. i understand him. i used to be just like him. i carried everyones pain for years. i cried for years. i couldnt talk. couldnt explain. i prayed for someone to just come and take me far far away. no one came. so one day i got tired of waiting and became my own personal hero. 

omer is going to a shrink. and he is on medications. he cut himself with a knife a few days ago screaming like a wounded animal that he wants to die. an 8 year old. the shrink offered to take him to a foster family. no one understands why he is in so much pain.

i have my own theory about the whole thing. its only a theory! im trying to look at the whole thing through his eyes. lets try.

his father tries to kill himself. didnt work. omer and him used to fight like crazy. one day omer told him he wants to kill him and he hates him. a few days later he dies. it was a heart attack they tell him. but he knows the truth. he keeps it to himself. is he the one to blame? is it because of what he said? did he kill his father? to tell or not to tell?

that is what i think. my personal theory. my solution, tell him the truth. tell him he decided to kill himself. and tell him its not his fault. for years i was sure my dad left because of me. years of self hatred. not knowing what i did wrong i made my own reasons. you know, maybe i was too ugly. too stupid. maybe he wanted a boy instead. and so on.

i really believe that if my mom would have talked to me when i was 5 years old, and tell me that mummy and daddy dont love each other anymore but they still love me very much, i would have been a much happier kid.  not to mention a bit more normal today, haha.

then i had this crazy idea. instead of a foster family, let me take him with me for two months. im going to india in november, let him come with me. clear his head a little. give my mom some time to get help herself. and they both need some time away from each other. my mom said its not a bad idea but she is scared of being alone. not sure what to say about that.

i dont know…. why do people still bring kids to the world? i mean dont get me wrong, i love kids! they love me. i would love to have kids of my own. really. i would love to be a mom. it would make me so happy. but i dont know…. i look around me and its not good. people feel alone everywhere. we all just feel so alone. i know i do. its the worst feeling ever. i know my kid would feel alone as well. why would i do that to someone else just because it will make me feel whole?

you wanna know what i want? well im gonna tell you anyway! i want a man. a partner. someone i feel comfortable and natural with. someone i can share my nights and weekends with.

you know what keith? we had that. it was far from being perfect, but it was perfect enough.

keith and i lived together for more then a year. shared a bed 4 days after we first met. we both worked long hours. by the end of the day i couldnt wait to see him! we liked the same things. same food. same tv shows. long showers. water fights. stupid things. we were very different in so many other ways, but the small, every day things we shared with love.

my mom came to me today and told me she is too stressed and cant sleep. because tomorrow is a new week and so many things to do. she asked for an advise. so i told her what i learned. do one thing at a time. dont think about the 10 things you have to do tomorrow. think about the first thing. deal with it when the time comes. then on to the next thing. and so on. if i’ll think of everything i need to do my head will explode. i dont think. i do.

keith honey, this is one of the things i learned from us. for me this is the reason why it broke. we thought too far ahead. things that didnt happened yet. i listened to my family, you listened to yours, and we got lost. too bad really. but its in the past. cant we fix it? do we want to fix it? i dont know. i know that i miss you very much. i know you are a good friend. i know i care for you. and i know you need to deal with a few things.

my life is very simple right now. im very content. im healthy. got money. my family is here. i got 4 amazing friends. i feel free. i feel another adventure is coming my way and i cant wait. i love my life. i love me. i love you.  all i feel is love and lots of it. nothing else matters.

so keith, this is it. i cant write anymore tonight. i cant even remember what i wrote. i need to find a title oy!

i promise im gonna try and write some more. just need to clear my head first. or get really depressed. im great when im sad! lol.

good night!!

Add a comment Jpm10000000pmSat, 06 Oct 2007 14:01:55 +000007 23, 2007

so far…

the best part in travelling in the unknown.  when i travel i never plan ahead. i dont time myself. and i love going on my own. i love to think and learn more about life as i go on. and then there is the best part. going home and looking back on your trip. remembering the people you have met. the conversations that made you think.

well, im almost done with this trip but i already met my three people who really made me look at myself and think about my life.

i only saw each for maybe 20 minutes and none of them spoke english. i wont tell you about all three. one of them i saw as i was leaving ilha do mel. i saw him on the boat and we were both going to cortiva. he lived on this island his entire life and he is my age.

every time i talk to someone and tell him about my life they go wow. im used to it. this guy wasnt impressed at all. so naturally it got me curious. with my broken english this is what i got. he said: travel is great. you get to see the world. you learn a lot. you meet great people. but then what? he lost me there. what do you mean? he said, well youre not married, you dont have kids, no family, nothing of your own. (ouch). so you could write a great book maybe. but youll feel very lost and empty in a few years. he told me that he lived in one place his whole life and he already knows whats really important. he wants a family.

well, then my bus came and we said goodbye. before i left he kissed me on the lips and said good luck. what the f???

well i was on that bus for 18 hours and i kept thinking about him. is he right? is that what we live for? is that all we want? something to call it ours? can a person be really happy without a family? will i feel empty in a few years? an i going the wrong path here?

ok, then i met a girl. 3 years youger then me. from sao paulo. very smart girl. really wanted more out of life. met her in parati. we went out and got some acai and talked for hours. we talked about us and relationships. she told me her story. then i was thinking about my own story. there was a conection there. we both loved men that didnt treat us right. why? we are both smart. strong. curious. we both look good and funny. shes got a brazilian ass!! so why? why do we love them? the next day i left town and was alone again. thinking about this whole thing.

this is what i think. i think its a low self esteem problem. we both dont believe we could be loved. we both punish ourselves for the past. now, guys, dont talk, this is for the ladies. i have been talking to a lot of girls and we all have that in common. we go to men that control us. that play with us. and make us unhappy. i have been thinking about the man i love and i hate myself for loving him. loving him means hating myself. do i really hate myself? and if i do, why? and how do i break this cycle??

the third person i met a few days ago. he reminded me of my dad. and he made me think a lot. i wont go into details cause its personal, but ill never forget him.

i think ill be getting home in a week or two. im very happy i came here. i learned so much about myself. and now i know what i have to work on.

in mid october im going to eilat and mid november im going to asia. i can believe im already planning my next trip and im on the border of brazil.

monkey man, i need you to know something. you always treated me right. you were always good to me. thats why i miss you so much. miss my friend. but from my boyfriend i needed more. read this book hidious kinki and tell me what you think.

shesek, youre not the problem. youre you. always have been. its me. im the problem. took me a while to see that. and now its just too simple.

paul, you opened my eyes and ill never be the same again. i wish you luck and know that youre not alone in this. and if you ever need me ill be there for you to hold your hand.

ima, you messed my life up and now i need your help to fix it. we have a lot of work ahead so i hope youre ready. i love you for caring enough to do this.

isabella, i will never forget you! believe in yourself and never let go of your dreams! if you ever need anything please ask!

will write more once i get home. love you all!

2 comments Jpm9000000pmSun, 23 Sep 2007 14:27:38 +000007 23, 2007