a new feeling

i  havent felt this way for so long….

now its back. in a second. its burning within. my whole body is alive but from the inside. i know who i am right now and what i want. at least for a moment. it feels good.

a new year. a frsh start. new hopes. a small dream. one big heart. one god. one moon.

sorry if you have no idea what im talking about. im talking to myself. you can listen.

2010- i would like to wish myself a few things.

i would like to learn how to show what i feel on the inside a bit better.

would love to keep learning and growing with my beautiful son. he is my eyes. my soul. im so inlove with him. such a perfect being.

i would like to feel stronger like i used to without clossing my heart.

i would like to have more beautiful people in my life to learn from.

i wish every feeling being on this planet a moment of peace. a moment of true happiness. a moment of  love. a moment of truth.

happy new year everyone!!!

1 comment Jpm1000000pmSat, 02 Jan 2010 15:14:13 +000010 23, 2007

not ready to share

i know its not like me to dissapear and not to share with you. please dont worry. im back in israel im happy and healthy and im doing great. i will tell you everything in about a month i promise. if you can read hebrew you can read my new blog, find it on google. love.

1 comment Jam3000000amWed, 26 Mar 2008 10:26:29 +000008 23, 2007

not going anywhere.

ok people calm down please. im not dying! it was just a story. i way to make myself think about whats really important in life. thank you all for your emails and care and im sorry i got you all worried for no reason.

im in heaven and i didnt have to die to get here. im in a beautiful town in mexico and im having a wonderful time.

once im done with this trip i will tell you all about it. till then let me be with my own thoughts.

i love you all.

Add a comment Jpm2000000pmSun, 10 Feb 2008 17:36:46 +000008 23, 2007

6 hour answer.

what is it really that i am looking for in this life? i have been thinking about it for the past few days after a good friend brought it up and i had no answer. i felt confused and a little angry for some reason at myself and him. well today i woke up and decided to figure this one out. since this is not the first time that people have asked me that very same question many many times before. took me 6 hours to find my answer. all i needed was some time for myself. a beautiful day. the sun. the beach. some music. then i can think and feel clearly and find find answers.

ok so to all of you curious people out there, and mom, i have an answer for all of you. are you ready?

nothing.

im not looking for anything special. everything i ever wanted i already have. i have known the world. i have known people. i have known friends. i have known love. i had adventures and memories. had so many good and wonderful days and oh so many bad ones. im a generally happy person. yes of course i get sad and lost and confused sometimes but i think thats normal. and this is why i have you, my friends to help me when im down.

i understand my life. i understand my goals. yes i have a goal mom oy.  its just a bit different then the way you live thats all. my goal in life is to live. thats it. i wake up i eat something and i do whatever it is that i feel like doing at that moment. thats my life. you keep asking me about tomorrow when in my head there is no tomorrow. there is only today. there is right now.

i have tried living it your way. i cant do it. i think that you are all wrong. am i smarter then the rest of you…. maybe. or maybe im an idiot and one day will understand what you all tried to tell me all these years. maybe. you never know. or maybe one day youll be 60 and sad and understand me and my life style. maybe.

look im 27 now. i will be 30 soon! not a kid anymore. really. how about giving me some space to do my thing and stop criticizing my life.  i know i take a lot of risks in life but im ready to get hurt. im ready to fall on my face.

i cant tell you if this is how im going to be till the day i die. i change all the time. i learn all the time. i might feel differently some day. i love you when you get married. i love you when you get divorced. i love you when youre happy. im there for you when youre sad. but i never tell you youre making a mistake. even if i think it. its your mistake to make and not mine. and its your job to be there for me when i need you. but dont try to fix me or help poor lihi, because she is doing just fine.

i love that you are worried about me. it shows how much you care and love me.

rakesh, we wouldn’t have met if i wouldn’t have come to goa. and im glad i met you i had a great time. i made a friend.  all im doing in my life is follow my path. hope that answers your question.

love.

1 comment Jpm1000000pmTue, 29 Jan 2008 19:28:18 +000008 23, 2007

forgiveness.

i had a very emotional day yesterday. i was explained for the first time how important is to forgive others. on so many levels. to be honest with you, i thought i did already forgive everyone, but i was wrong. last night i took some time for myself. i was alone with my thoughts. i thought of all the people that hurt once before. some of these people are still very much in my life, others are not.  but thats not the point. we all met for a reason. and i remember all of them because they made in impact on my life.  after 4 hours alone in my room thinking about the past i was ready to let it all go. and this is why im writing this today.  lets start.

first place goes to my dad. you were the first to introduce me with pain. you hurt me time and time again and shaped the person i am today. you left me. you never looked back. for 21 years of my life i was in the dark, asking myself why. thinking its my fault. im done. i dont hate you. im not angry. no more pain. its in the past. I FORGIVE YOU.

second place goes to my mom. you made me unhappy for years. you made me feel im not good enough. you made me feel im not beautiful. you told me to stay away from my dad. you showed my how alone can one person really be. you never really cared. you never really loved. you used a lot of guilt to get your way. its done. its in the past. I FORGIVE YOU.

third place goes to me. i hurt myself so many times already. hurt my body. hurt my soul. i dated men that werent good for me. i listened to the wrong people. i was lazy. i was weak. i was scared. i was a sheep. its in the past.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.

well these are the ones that are still in my life.

L- you really hurt me when i was 19 years old. you used your power and used me. that was wrong. i had no way out. you were stronger. im ready to let go. i forgive you.

E- wow such a long time ago and i still remember it. you told so many lies about me. we were so young. i still dont know why you did it. but its time to let it go. i forgive you.

S- you said youll always be there for me. always. i was a child. i believed you. you left when i was 8 years old. you were my last straw. i stopped trusting people because of that. it was a good lesson to learn. its in the past. i forgive you.

D- you broke my heart. you made me believe again. you took it away with no explanation. i had a few good memories and you stole them from me. you left me with nothing. but now i found what i was looking for. im ok. its in the past. i forgive you.

i think im done here.

to all the people i hurt in the past, i hope you will forgive me some day.

for a new beginning!

6 comments Jam12000000amSat, 15 Dec 2007 01:36:44 +000007 23, 2007

a story about a girl.

i am eight years old today. my dad left the house a long time ago. its just me and my mom now. everything is different now. my world is not safe anymore. im going to school every day. i dont like it. i have a nice teacher and she is being very nice to me. my mom told her whats going on in my life and she feels sorry for me. i hate doing homework. i hate being in class. my mind wonders. he doesnt listen to me. he doest know time and space. he goes everywhere. he is truly free.

its time to go home now. im walking. its nice out. im taking my time. dont really feel like going to an empty house. but its a short walk and now im there. just as i remembered it, empty. i wash my hands. im making lunch. im done. now what? five more hours to be alone. im going downstairs to play with the street cats. i like them all but there is one i really love. her name is mitsi. she is black and white. we get each other. she cares about me. i can feel it. i sit on the ground and talk to her for hours. she listens to every word i say. then it gets dark. a little cold. i say good night to mitsi and go home. i forgot how empty it was. two more hours and my mom is coming back. i cant wait. i dont know why i want her here, she never cares. all she wants to know is how was my day at school. and if im done with my homework. she doesnt care about my long talk with mitsi. or how empty this house feels to me. or how much i miss my dad.

i made it. she is back. she asked me if i ate. i say yes. and yes to the homework question. and yes, i had a nice day at school today mom. wanna hear about mitsi? why not?? she is all i’ve got!! she is my friend. you should care. its pointless i know. im taking a shower. taking a book and going to bed. i love this book. its about this kid with red hair that feels different from everyone else. i know the feeling im trying to tell him. yeah, i like that book. i read it so many times already.  oh man my mom just tured off the lights. its bed time she says. i told her so many times i have to finish my book. she doesnt read. she doesnt know. i got my flashlight under my pillow. i finish my book. im going to sleep.

i wake up in the morning. the pigeons woke me up again. im staring at the wall. not getting out of bed yet. im trying to understand whats the point of doing this one day over and over again. i mean today is going to be just like yesterday. and tomorrow is going to be just the same as today. is this life? it this it?? i get out of bed. i brush my teeth. wash my face. get dressed. locking the door and going to school. its a nice day out. mitsi is no here. i cant find her. but i know she will be waiting for me when i get back. another boring day at school. in my mind i was flying far away. just opened the window and flew away. what a great feeling. the wind is playing with me. from up here my school looks like a little toy.  i dont know where to fly. all i know is my neighborhood. im tired of flying and going back to school. what choice do i have? the teacher is still talking!! why do people talk so much? what is she talking about? why cant i hear her? it it hebrew?? whats going on with the bell today?? taking it forever….. oh its about time.

walking home.  yep just as i thought, still empty. god i hate this place. doing my homework. making lunch. eating. how alone can one person be?? i cant hear mitsi. going to look for her. im walking around calling her. nothing. i cant believe she left me as well! why is everyone leaving me all the time? i remind myself that mitsi loves me and she wouldnt do that to me. i decide to keep looking. its night time. mom is back. im crying. for the first time she cares. we go out to look for her together. its 8pm. its late. its my book time. but mitsi is much more important then my book. and i know she would do the same for me. then one of my neighbours sees up and talks to my mom. i cant hear them but i know its not good. i can see my moms face changes. she grabs my hand and takes me home. i wanna know whats wrong. she doesnt say anything. so annoying. is it about my dad?? is he coming back? is it about mitsi? someone saw her? what is it? tell me im a big girl i can take it. when we get home we sit on the sofa and she tells me. the neigbour from the fourth floor gave mitsi some food today. poisoned food. she is dead. mitsi is gone. i dont understand. she explains it to me again. she made too much noise. he didnt like her. so he killed her. i couldnt move. i couldnt feel. i wasnt sad. i didnt care. and then something happened. something moved. inside me something moved. i heard a noise. my fucking heart just broke. i snapped. i left the apartment and went to that neighbour. i never yelled before. i never misbehaved before. i hated him. i hated everyone. why????? why did he do it? she was my friend. now im truly alone.

alone. 

6 comments Jam11000000amSun, 11 Nov 2007 09:56:23 +000007 23, 2007

ima sheli

“Lihi, stop pushing me. i will do it when im ready.”

i heard this so many times before from so many different people since i was a little kid. its true. i do push people. push them to their limit. why? im not sure. cause i know they want to change but dont know how. that was one of my biggest problems growing up. i was always the grown up. i raised a lot of people. here are a few i would like to mention. my mom. noa my cousin. elad, boaz’s son. idan, my half brother. and omer. i have been thinking and worried about them my whole life.

one day gila told me something i already knew but had to hear again. she said you cant push people that dont want to be pushed. you need to let go. all the care and the love in the world wont do any good if they dont want it.

what do i do? let go? i knew i had to. so i did. and i started living my own life. far from everyone i know. so it wont hurt as much.

i made a huge difference in a few peoples lives. noa, idan ,omer and elad. noa is now 22 and we are still very close. she told me a few months ago that i saved her. i was her rock.

idan and i were very close. i loved that kid. then i left. not a word for years. till he was 18 and i saw him again. he told me how much he loved me. told me he would have never survived without me.

elad is now 17. we were very close as well. i loved him like my own brother. then, yes you guessed right, i left. years went by till i saw him again one day. when i did i was shocked. he wasnt a little kid he was a man. i missed him so much. after two days of talking and getting to know each other again, we went to the park and talked. he started crying. i knew why but didnt ask. he said that he really loved me. and i just left one day without a notice. he needed me. and i wasnt there for him. he told me how sad he was. and then angry. and then felt nothing. till i showed up again.  he wasnt the same anymore.

noa, idan and elad. all grown up now. the innocence is gone from their eyes. all we have now are memories.

i remember when gila told me not to push people. and i really didnt. well i did push keith a lot but only because he wanted to be pushed. i couldnt help him change. but these last two days something amazing happened.  something very small for some but huge for me. a change.

it started yesterday when idan called me. he wanted to see me. he wanted us to stay in touch. i invited him for dinner on friday. that was cool!

then noa. i saw her today. we had such a wonderful talk. i saw the change in her. small but its a start.

and then the best thing happened. my biggest challenge. my mom.

when my mom gets angry youll never know. she keeps everything inside. for months maybe even years till she explodes. i must say that im like that and im working very hard to change that! anyway, today for the first time, with a little push from me, she told noa that she was angry at her. she never did that before. i know it sounds stupid to you but i was so moved. i know how hard it was for her. and she was wonderful.

so, if a 49 year old woman can change so can anyone else!!! its never too late. and if i push you……… you should that me!!! well, you will some day im sure. lol.

i was talking to my friend before about the fact that i was always there for other people when i was growing up. why wasnt there anyone for me? why? no one that took care of me when i was sick. no one to talk to or cry on. no one to lean on. no one to yell at. no one to laugh with. no one to share my thoughts with. why? is that my faith? is there no one strong enough for me? a man a woman even a sheep….. anyone at all? was i born to be alone? im not really sad thinking about it, more curious to know.

i mean, im so happy i was there for others when they needed me. but why didnt i have someone growing up? i might have been a very different person now…

i guess thats life.

2 comments Jpm10000000pmMon, 08 Oct 2007 14:42:27 +000007 23, 2007

so far…

the best part in travelling in the unknown.  when i travel i never plan ahead. i dont time myself. and i love going on my own. i love to think and learn more about life as i go on. and then there is the best part. going home and looking back on your trip. remembering the people you have met. the conversations that made you think.

well, im almost done with this trip but i already met my three people who really made me look at myself and think about my life.

i only saw each for maybe 20 minutes and none of them spoke english. i wont tell you about all three. one of them i saw as i was leaving ilha do mel. i saw him on the boat and we were both going to cortiva. he lived on this island his entire life and he is my age.

every time i talk to someone and tell him about my life they go wow. im used to it. this guy wasnt impressed at all. so naturally it got me curious. with my broken english this is what i got. he said: travel is great. you get to see the world. you learn a lot. you meet great people. but then what? he lost me there. what do you mean? he said, well youre not married, you dont have kids, no family, nothing of your own. (ouch). so you could write a great book maybe. but youll feel very lost and empty in a few years. he told me that he lived in one place his whole life and he already knows whats really important. he wants a family.

well, then my bus came and we said goodbye. before i left he kissed me on the lips and said good luck. what the f???

well i was on that bus for 18 hours and i kept thinking about him. is he right? is that what we live for? is that all we want? something to call it ours? can a person be really happy without a family? will i feel empty in a few years? an i going the wrong path here?

ok, then i met a girl. 3 years youger then me. from sao paulo. very smart girl. really wanted more out of life. met her in parati. we went out and got some acai and talked for hours. we talked about us and relationships. she told me her story. then i was thinking about my own story. there was a conection there. we both loved men that didnt treat us right. why? we are both smart. strong. curious. we both look good and funny. shes got a brazilian ass!! so why? why do we love them? the next day i left town and was alone again. thinking about this whole thing.

this is what i think. i think its a low self esteem problem. we both dont believe we could be loved. we both punish ourselves for the past. now, guys, dont talk, this is for the ladies. i have been talking to a lot of girls and we all have that in common. we go to men that control us. that play with us. and make us unhappy. i have been thinking about the man i love and i hate myself for loving him. loving him means hating myself. do i really hate myself? and if i do, why? and how do i break this cycle??

the third person i met a few days ago. he reminded me of my dad. and he made me think a lot. i wont go into details cause its personal, but ill never forget him.

i think ill be getting home in a week or two. im very happy i came here. i learned so much about myself. and now i know what i have to work on.

in mid october im going to eilat and mid november im going to asia. i can believe im already planning my next trip and im on the border of brazil.

monkey man, i need you to know something. you always treated me right. you were always good to me. thats why i miss you so much. miss my friend. but from my boyfriend i needed more. read this book hidious kinki and tell me what you think.

shesek, youre not the problem. youre you. always have been. its me. im the problem. took me a while to see that. and now its just too simple.

paul, you opened my eyes and ill never be the same again. i wish you luck and know that youre not alone in this. and if you ever need me ill be there for you to hold your hand.

ima, you messed my life up and now i need your help to fix it. we have a lot of work ahead so i hope youre ready. i love you for caring enough to do this.

isabella, i will never forget you! believe in yourself and never let go of your dreams! if you ever need anything please ask!

will write more once i get home. love you all!

2 comments Jpm9000000pmSun, 23 Sep 2007 14:27:38 +000007 23, 2007

a little change

ok people im leaving in 2 days. i know i said i’ll write here but i changed it to facebook.

please dont panic if you wont hear from me for a while.

love you all.

4 comments Jpm8000000pmMon, 06 Aug 2007 14:05:33 +000007 23, 2007

give it time.

just got back. had coffee with michal. she is such a wonderful friend. i feel so lucky to have her in my life.

michal, i know that this is not an easy time for you. israel isnt easy. we are not easy people. i know how you feel. i felt the same three months ago. but i promise its getting better. and im here for you. whatever you need!! and you can always join me you know….

memory 5-

new york. on the subway. cant remember where we were going. we had a god time. we didnt talk for a minute or two. then when i looked at you i saw you crying. i didnt know what to do. didnt know how to take the pain away. my heart aches just remembering it. what was going on inside your head at that moment? you never told me.

Add a comment Jpm7000000pmSun, 29 Jul 2007 14:18:28 +000007 23, 2007