live for today!

i was talking to a friend of mine today who is 6 months older then me and celebrating his 28th birthday next month. that is getting really close to the big 30. i havent seen him for a year now and it feels like a few days which shows me how fast time goes by. i will hit 30 in no time. all my friends are married. one is pregnant. and i love them and im happy for them and i think they chose good partners. but they are making me feel even more different then i really am.

my whole life i looked at an age as a number and nothing more. im the same lihi i know and love, i feel the same about marriage and kids. im sorry but for me its a big deal. i wont marry anyone. whats with the preasure?? do you know how hard it is to find someone you really love? well i know. i have looked everywhere. and trust me its not an easy task.

i just talked to my mom, told her where im going she almost had a stroke. every time i talk to her i can feel she is still hoping i would grow up and start making right decisions in my life and be more like other people. oy. why is it so hard to eccept me as i am. im not a bad person. i have met a few people who thought i was lovely. why cant my mom feel the same way? im so tired of feeling im dissapointing her all the time. she keeps saying that all she really wants is for me to be happy. but that a big fat lie. because i am happy. right now. at this moment. is it so hard to believe?

my life is brilliant. im free to go wherever i want. do whatever i want. i enjoy every minute of my life. thats not something a lot of people can say. i dont think my life is a mess. they make perfect sense to me.

live for today!!

1 comment Jam1000000amMon, 21 Jan 2008 05:22:16 +000008 23, 2007

ima sheli

“Lihi, stop pushing me. i will do it when im ready.”

i heard this so many times before from so many different people since i was a little kid. its true. i do push people. push them to their limit. why? im not sure. cause i know they want to change but dont know how. that was one of my biggest problems growing up. i was always the grown up. i raised a lot of people. here are a few i would like to mention. my mom. noa my cousin. elad, boaz’s son. idan, my half brother. and omer. i have been thinking and worried about them my whole life.

one day gila told me something i already knew but had to hear again. she said you cant push people that dont want to be pushed. you need to let go. all the care and the love in the world wont do any good if they dont want it.

what do i do? let go? i knew i had to. so i did. and i started living my own life. far from everyone i know. so it wont hurt as much.

i made a huge difference in a few peoples lives. noa, idan ,omer and elad. noa is now 22 and we are still very close. she told me a few months ago that i saved her. i was her rock.

idan and i were very close. i loved that kid. then i left. not a word for years. till he was 18 and i saw him again. he told me how much he loved me. told me he would have never survived without me.

elad is now 17. we were very close as well. i loved him like my own brother. then, yes you guessed right, i left. years went by till i saw him again one day. when i did i was shocked. he wasnt a little kid he was a man. i missed him so much. after two days of talking and getting to know each other again, we went to the park and talked. he started crying. i knew why but didnt ask. he said that he really loved me. and i just left one day without a notice. he needed me. and i wasnt there for him. he told me how sad he was. and then angry. and then felt nothing. till i showed up again.  he wasnt the same anymore.

noa, idan and elad. all grown up now. the innocence is gone from their eyes. all we have now are memories.

i remember when gila told me not to push people. and i really didnt. well i did push keith a lot but only because he wanted to be pushed. i couldnt help him change. but these last two days something amazing happened.  something very small for some but huge for me. a change.

it started yesterday when idan called me. he wanted to see me. he wanted us to stay in touch. i invited him for dinner on friday. that was cool!

then noa. i saw her today. we had such a wonderful talk. i saw the change in her. small but its a start.

and then the best thing happened. my biggest challenge. my mom.

when my mom gets angry youll never know. she keeps everything inside. for months maybe even years till she explodes. i must say that im like that and im working very hard to change that! anyway, today for the first time, with a little push from me, she told noa that she was angry at her. she never did that before. i know it sounds stupid to you but i was so moved. i know how hard it was for her. and she was wonderful.

so, if a 49 year old woman can change so can anyone else!!! its never too late. and if i push you……… you should that me!!! well, you will some day im sure. lol.

i was talking to my friend before about the fact that i was always there for other people when i was growing up. why wasnt there anyone for me? why? no one that took care of me when i was sick. no one to talk to or cry on. no one to lean on. no one to yell at. no one to laugh with. no one to share my thoughts with. why? is that my faith? is there no one strong enough for me? a man a woman even a sheep….. anyone at all? was i born to be alone? im not really sad thinking about it, more curious to know.

i mean, im so happy i was there for others when they needed me. but why didnt i have someone growing up? i might have been a very different person now…

i guess thats life.

2 comments Jpm10000000pmMon, 08 Oct 2007 14:42:27 +000007 23, 2007

so far…

the best part in travelling in the unknown.  when i travel i never plan ahead. i dont time myself. and i love going on my own. i love to think and learn more about life as i go on. and then there is the best part. going home and looking back on your trip. remembering the people you have met. the conversations that made you think.

well, im almost done with this trip but i already met my three people who really made me look at myself and think about my life.

i only saw each for maybe 20 minutes and none of them spoke english. i wont tell you about all three. one of them i saw as i was leaving ilha do mel. i saw him on the boat and we were both going to cortiva. he lived on this island his entire life and he is my age.

every time i talk to someone and tell him about my life they go wow. im used to it. this guy wasnt impressed at all. so naturally it got me curious. with my broken english this is what i got. he said: travel is great. you get to see the world. you learn a lot. you meet great people. but then what? he lost me there. what do you mean? he said, well youre not married, you dont have kids, no family, nothing of your own. (ouch). so you could write a great book maybe. but youll feel very lost and empty in a few years. he told me that he lived in one place his whole life and he already knows whats really important. he wants a family.

well, then my bus came and we said goodbye. before i left he kissed me on the lips and said good luck. what the f???

well i was on that bus for 18 hours and i kept thinking about him. is he right? is that what we live for? is that all we want? something to call it ours? can a person be really happy without a family? will i feel empty in a few years? an i going the wrong path here?

ok, then i met a girl. 3 years youger then me. from sao paulo. very smart girl. really wanted more out of life. met her in parati. we went out and got some acai and talked for hours. we talked about us and relationships. she told me her story. then i was thinking about my own story. there was a conection there. we both loved men that didnt treat us right. why? we are both smart. strong. curious. we both look good and funny. shes got a brazilian ass!! so why? why do we love them? the next day i left town and was alone again. thinking about this whole thing.

this is what i think. i think its a low self esteem problem. we both dont believe we could be loved. we both punish ourselves for the past. now, guys, dont talk, this is for the ladies. i have been talking to a lot of girls and we all have that in common. we go to men that control us. that play with us. and make us unhappy. i have been thinking about the man i love and i hate myself for loving him. loving him means hating myself. do i really hate myself? and if i do, why? and how do i break this cycle??

the third person i met a few days ago. he reminded me of my dad. and he made me think a lot. i wont go into details cause its personal, but ill never forget him.

i think ill be getting home in a week or two. im very happy i came here. i learned so much about myself. and now i know what i have to work on.

in mid october im going to eilat and mid november im going to asia. i can believe im already planning my next trip and im on the border of brazil.

monkey man, i need you to know something. you always treated me right. you were always good to me. thats why i miss you so much. miss my friend. but from my boyfriend i needed more. read this book hidious kinki and tell me what you think.

shesek, youre not the problem. youre you. always have been. its me. im the problem. took me a while to see that. and now its just too simple.

paul, you opened my eyes and ill never be the same again. i wish you luck and know that youre not alone in this. and if you ever need me ill be there for you to hold your hand.

ima, you messed my life up and now i need your help to fix it. we have a lot of work ahead so i hope youre ready. i love you for caring enough to do this.

isabella, i will never forget you! believe in yourself and never let go of your dreams! if you ever need anything please ask!

will write more once i get home. love you all!

2 comments Jpm9000000pmSun, 23 Sep 2007 14:27:38 +000007 23, 2007

a little change

ok people im leaving in 2 days. i know i said i’ll write here but i changed it to facebook.

please dont panic if you wont hear from me for a while.

love you all.

4 comments Jpm8000000pmMon, 06 Aug 2007 14:05:33 +000007 23, 2007

im here for you omer.

i feel like i got nothing to write cause im happy. it feels like people only like to hear bad things. when you watch the news or read the papers its all full of bad news. we are so used to hearing bad news so now good news are no news at all.

well i dont care. im happy right now and i want to share my feeling. even if its not interesting.

i woke up today and my mom was in a really bad mood. i sat down with her for an hour and we had a really good talk. i can see she’s making the same mistakes she did with me with omer. i remember what it was like being a kid. i remember how angry i felt. how alone. i know he feels the same. she blamed my dad for years and he wasnt even around. she blamed everyone but herself.  omer is a good kid, just very angry. last night i went out with michal for a few hours when i got back she was crying. they had a big fight. and she hit him. really hard a few times. i didnt say anything when she told me. i learned not to react when im angry. i just listened to her. he fell asleep. can you imagin how he must have felt? going to sleep all alone. scared. sad. angry. confused. she’s an adult and she cant handle that. what about him? i feel so bad for him. i know the life he’s going to have if she wont help him now.

anyway, we talked. i told her how i felt when i was eight. i was a very sick kid. every time i got sick my mom left me alone. i used to take 2 busses to my grandparents house so i wont be alone. i cooked for myself. i did everything on my own.

i told her that when i was 10 years old and she dated this guy, yosi, how unhappy i was. he came to our house one day, i was watching the tv and he took the remote from me. i took it back. my mom was in the other room. he took the remote back and hit so hard. i was shocked. my mom came, saw it and kicked him out of the house. she gave me a big hug and told me that everything is going to be ok. i felt safe again. the next day she went out with him again. that day i understood that safety is just an illusion. she was with him for 6 years. i wont tell you what happened in those 6 years but i wasnt happy.

i also told her about the 3 years while she was with boaz and i didnt have a place to call home. i was in the streets all alone. me with my thoughts. talking to strange people. praying for a car to hit me and end it all. but the car never came. and i survived.

i reminder her the conversation  we had when i was 12. i told her i miss my dad. i need him. i asked her if he loves me. i asked why he left. i reminded her what she told me in return. she said it was my fault. she said he left because i was too angry. too sad. that he wanted a son and he was disappointed when i was born.

i reminded her 6 years ago when i fell inlove. when i needed her help. she told me he’s not good enough. she said he’s going to leave me because im insane. that its never going to work. 

i told her all that and much more for a good reason. not because im angry. for years i thought she did all these things because she was young and she didnt know any better. but now i see that she’s making the same mistakes again with omer. and she’s  50!!

now im thinking that if i had a different life i would have been a very different person. and i love the person i tured into. maybe omer needs to go through this. or maybe im here to stop it. i dont know. anyway, we had a good talk. and im leaving in 13 days!! nothing else matters. all i know is that even with all the crap happening around me, im still happy.

Add a comment Jam7000000amThu, 26 Jul 2007 01:31:45 +000007 23, 2007

more pictures!

glad you liked my pictures. here are some more.

going to sleep in a few minutes so good night everyone.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=8955&l=872a1&id=618893622

Add a comment Jpm7000000pmTue, 24 Jul 2007 13:48:23 +000007 23, 2007

pictures!

hey everyone

take a look at some pictures we took today at the beach in tel aviv. its me with some friends and family.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=8782&l=8e230&id=618893622

4 comments Jam7000000amMon, 23 Jul 2007 06:50:00 +000007 23, 2007

to my friends

im really enjoying my life lately. i use all my feelings and emotions to express myself in an artistic way and i love it. im painting a lot and i started taking dance lessons, free style. i met this guy on friday in the midrahov and i had to stop and look at him. my mom said he’s scary i thought he was fascinating. he was dancing in the middle of the street, he was amazing. he is a teacher so im gonna take a few lessons till i leave. dance is a wonderful way to express yourself.

im taking these 3 weeks i have left before i go to really enjoy myself. be with my friends as much as i can. with my mom. im reading all the time and i love it. the weather is fantastic, im still going to the beach every day and im using the computer a lot less. i never liked it, but since i got back to israel i have been using it and to be honest, i love it. i was becoming one of those people i never liked. you know, those who cant live without a computer. when the first thing they do when they wake up is checking their emails. i hate those people. after a month with my new laptop i found myself doing the same thing. i hated myself but couldnt stop.

so now im writting down all my thoughts on a piece of paper using a pencil. i read my emails once a day. and i know that in three weeks i wont use it at all anymore. i cant tell you how happy that makes me.

also, im trying something new. you wont hear me say ‘no’ very often anymore. since i’ve been doing that i met some wonderful people, read amazing books, been to egypt and a great concert. i even gave my number to this guy i met. im trying to be a little more possitive. i think its working.

john, i got your CD, thanks a lot i love it. if theres anything you want from israel please let me know, now is the time to ask.

lots of love to all of you

L. 

2 comments Jpm7000000pmSat, 14 Jul 2007 14:04:11 +000007 23, 2007

new york

i dont really miss new york. not the subway or the food or even the museums. i dont miss walking up and down the streets. dont miss the yellow cabs. not even the amount of people. i lived there for five years and i guess i had enough.

today i went to the movies. the movie with edward norton. great movie. i went with my mom my aunt and my gramma. three generations and we all cried and we all loved the movie. its not easy being a woman. not now and not even 50 years ago. we are so often  confused with being complicated  when we are really simple creatures. and we all want the same thing.  we all want passion. nothing else. not money. or clothes. or diamonds. or a big house. or security. or fame. or a safety net. what we want is simple. maybe even too simple for you to understand. our heart is all we care about. we would all live in a box with the man we love then in a huge house with a man that sits in his office all day long.

are there any men out there that can give us that? i know that there are. my only question is, can it last for more then a week? is there a passion that lasts a life time? or is it just a movie? are all these movies based on real events? or are we all just waiting for something that most likely will never happen?

i was so sure i found my true passion. but i made a mistake. where should i look now? when will i find him? what is he doing right now? what if ill be mistaken again?

i had a long conversation with my gramma today. she didnt love my granfather. they were together for 60 years. she was in love once when she was 17, but he wasnt jewish. they tried to escape together but the police found them the next day and returned them home. the next day she was married to my granfather.

i cant imagine a life without passion. without love. what else is there? what else matters?

after leaving the theatre i felt like im back in new york. i guess i do miss something about new york. the movie theatres. on my day off i would go to see a movie or two or three. i would fall asleep there. talk to people. its a different world. its a world with no boundarias. anything is possible. its ok to dream. and hope. i love that world.

its the first time i was thinking about new york and everything that happened in colorado since i got back. new york is a great city. i loved it. and i still do.

6 comments Jam7000000amTue, 03 Jul 2007 06:06:11 +000007 23, 2007

first time for everything

my cousin is getting married today. this is going to be my first wedding ever. i didnt think it was a big deal but it is. everyone is asking me for over a month now what am i going to wear (i guess they all know my closet situation…), i said pants. that was like saying praise jesus in a jewish temple.

so yesterday i had no choice and went to find a dress. yes me a dress. you all know me and you all know how much i hate shopping. after an hour i found a dress. i was so happy and all ready to go home. then they asked me about shoes. oh man, here i go again. shoe hunting.  i dont do heels but i found a pair of really nice sandels.

and then i got really into it and got me a necklace as well and a little butterfly for my hair. im so cute! tomer, i know what youre thinking, shut up.

need to get ready now we’re leaving soon. will send you pictures!

Add a comment Jam7000000amMon, 02 Jul 2007 09:13:37 +000007 23, 2007