a story about a girl.

i am eight years old today. my dad left the house a long time ago. its just me and my mom now. everything is different now. my world is not safe anymore. im going to school every day. i dont like it. i have a nice teacher and she is being very nice to me. my mom told her whats going on in my life and she feels sorry for me. i hate doing homework. i hate being in class. my mind wonders. he doesnt listen to me. he doest know time and space. he goes everywhere. he is truly free.

its time to go home now. im walking. its nice out. im taking my time. dont really feel like going to an empty house. but its a short walk and now im there. just as i remembered it, empty. i wash my hands. im making lunch. im done. now what? five more hours to be alone. im going downstairs to play with the street cats. i like them all but there is one i really love. her name is mitsi. she is black and white. we get each other. she cares about me. i can feel it. i sit on the ground and talk to her for hours. she listens to every word i say. then it gets dark. a little cold. i say good night to mitsi and go home. i forgot how empty it was. two more hours and my mom is coming back. i cant wait. i dont know why i want her here, she never cares. all she wants to know is how was my day at school. and if im done with my homework. she doesnt care about my long talk with mitsi. or how empty this house feels to me. or how much i miss my dad.

i made it. she is back. she asked me if i ate. i say yes. and yes to the homework question. and yes, i had a nice day at school today mom. wanna hear about mitsi? why not?? she is all i’ve got!! she is my friend. you should care. its pointless i know. im taking a shower. taking a book and going to bed. i love this book. its about this kid with red hair that feels different from everyone else. i know the feeling im trying to tell him. yeah, i like that book. i read it so many times already.  oh man my mom just tured off the lights. its bed time she says. i told her so many times i have to finish my book. she doesnt read. she doesnt know. i got my flashlight under my pillow. i finish my book. im going to sleep.

i wake up in the morning. the pigeons woke me up again. im staring at the wall. not getting out of bed yet. im trying to understand whats the point of doing this one day over and over again. i mean today is going to be just like yesterday. and tomorrow is going to be just the same as today. is this life? it this it?? i get out of bed. i brush my teeth. wash my face. get dressed. locking the door and going to school. its a nice day out. mitsi is no here. i cant find her. but i know she will be waiting for me when i get back. another boring day at school. in my mind i was flying far away. just opened the window and flew away. what a great feeling. the wind is playing with me. from up here my school looks like a little toy.  i dont know where to fly. all i know is my neighborhood. im tired of flying and going back to school. what choice do i have? the teacher is still talking!! why do people talk so much? what is she talking about? why cant i hear her? it it hebrew?? whats going on with the bell today?? taking it forever….. oh its about time.

walking home.  yep just as i thought, still empty. god i hate this place. doing my homework. making lunch. eating. how alone can one person be?? i cant hear mitsi. going to look for her. im walking around calling her. nothing. i cant believe she left me as well! why is everyone leaving me all the time? i remind myself that mitsi loves me and she wouldnt do that to me. i decide to keep looking. its night time. mom is back. im crying. for the first time she cares. we go out to look for her together. its 8pm. its late. its my book time. but mitsi is much more important then my book. and i know she would do the same for me. then one of my neighbours sees up and talks to my mom. i cant hear them but i know its not good. i can see my moms face changes. she grabs my hand and takes me home. i wanna know whats wrong. she doesnt say anything. so annoying. is it about my dad?? is he coming back? is it about mitsi? someone saw her? what is it? tell me im a big girl i can take it. when we get home we sit on the sofa and she tells me. the neigbour from the fourth floor gave mitsi some food today. poisoned food. she is dead. mitsi is gone. i dont understand. she explains it to me again. she made too much noise. he didnt like her. so he killed her. i couldnt move. i couldnt feel. i wasnt sad. i didnt care. and then something happened. something moved. inside me something moved. i heard a noise. my fucking heart just broke. i snapped. i left the apartment and went to that neighbour. i never yelled before. i never misbehaved before. i hated him. i hated everyone. why????? why did he do it? she was my friend. now im truly alone.

alone. 

6 comments Jam11000000amSun, 11 Nov 2007 09:56:23 +000007 23, 2007

my dream

one of my childhood dreams was to have my own farm. have a few animals and a little garden, and i feel like this dream is almost here. i saved some money and im ready to have my own place.

im going to see a few places in south america, if anything feels right im getting it. i have this image in my head i can almost touch it.  i didnt tell anyone about this but one good friend. she said it wont happen and i asked her why, she mentioned my little commitment problem. she’s right, i do have a bit of a problem with that. i mean if im gonna get a farm in a different country with 2 horses and a goat and a bunny and a few dogs and cats, i need to commit.  not sure how to do that. i never committed to anything in my whole life. so im really gonna work on that right now!

everything i ever wanted, i got. always found my way. fear never stopped me. lack of money never stopped me. im almost 27 and i only have 2 problems i cant solve. one is fear of commitment and the other is David.  i really have to fix it somehow.

so, all i need to remember is that life is short and beautiful and fascinating and if i want something i should go and get it. and if a farm is what i want then i shouldn’t let anything stop me. im going for it!

2 comments Jam6000000amTue, 19 Jun 2007 11:42:00 +000007 23, 2007

people suck!

so i went out with this guy yesterday, might stay in touch but nothing more. way too normal for me.  but we did have a very interesting conversation. it all started when i said i hate people. in general, you know, just dont like the race. i do have some friends i love and i have known a few good poeple, but saw and heard of much much more evil humans.

he said that, yes there are a few people who did bad things but there are also a lot of people that did amazing heroic things. so to solve that little problem we went on line. you have to try it. good in people and bad in people. nothing to compare. people suck!!

i dont even know where to start but i am ashamed of being one. i really dont get it. whats wrong with us??what is that need we have to control and hurt and lie and know everything and be above everything else?

take any subject you feel close to and see what im talking about. lets say children. we all love them. see kids abuse. sexual abuse. torture. hunger. slavery. using them to do horrible things.

love animals? me too. check it out! really. animal abuse. experiencing with animals. i couldnt stop crying for hours. the list goes on and on. everywhere. everyone. all the time.

now, im not looking for the bad in people but its hard to ignore it. and you know what? im tired of turning my head to the other side and say, well im only one what the hell can i do? im gonna do something about it. from now on i am going to do everything in my power to help animals.

how did they become less then us humans? how? when? why?

if you’ll see a person at the side of a road youll stop your car, help, call an ambulance, cry anything. but you wont keep going.

but if you’ll see a cat at a side of a road you’ll say oh thats too bad( i hope… ), and keep going. i want to know why!

i volunteer at this animal shelter. we found a puppy that was abused and hanged. we tried to save him but it was too late we had to put him to sleep. i couldnt fall asleep that night. im trying to understand. really i am. why do people do these things? why? help me understand. please.

Add a comment Jam6000000amMon, 18 Jun 2007 08:21:24 +000007 23, 2007

cant sleep

so im planning a little trip to bolivia. theres a wonderful place there called villa tunari where you can volunteer with wild animals. was there like 6 years ago and cant wait to go again. and now thats all i can think of.

ill make a few stops here and there, visit some old friends, maybe even go to brazil again. and costa rica. i hsould really stop thinking about it for a few hours and fall asleep, i have to go to work in 3 hours.

im not sure why but i decided that i want to celebrate my 27th birthday somewhere else. somewhere new and beautiful. so mid august it is!

Add a comment Jpm6000000pmTue, 12 Jun 2007 17:12:16 +000007 23, 2007

information needed

hey everyone,

i need your help. im looking for volunteering work with wild animals for 3-6 months. dont really care where it is, Africa is great, Asia or south america. so if you have any experience with that and can tell me a bit about it, that would be a huge help.

thanks.

Ben, saw it, thank you, looks great, do i need to learn french in 2 months?? mierd. call me.

Add a comment Jpm6000000pmMon, 11 Jun 2007 12:34:35 +000007 23, 2007

not again!

i started volunteering every Saturday at the dog shelter. i love animals so much and i really want to help.  i do have one big problem. i cant stop crying. im too damn sensitive and i dont know what to do about it.

everyone around me are telling me to give it more time , ill get use to it. i dont know. im going with much confident and the second a see an old dog with a broken leg that someone just left in the streets i cant help it! and ones i start crying, oh man, run for cover!!!

so what do i do? do i keep crying, looking like a complete idiot?

or do i give up my passion working with animals?

would love to hear a good or even a bad advise. thanks.

3 comments Jpm6000000pmSat, 09 Jun 2007 15:17:12 +000007 23, 2007

if you care…

 PLEASE sign the petition

http://www.petitiononline.com/golfinho/

Add a comment Jam2000000amFri, 23 Feb 2007 06:53:53 +000007 23, 2007

whats wrong with people??

i got nothing to say.  just watch.

This video shoked me . Please watch it!http://www.glumbert.com/media/dolphin