its dark out. peaceful.  the wind is telling me what she saw today.  im  looking out the window and i see the ocean.  but  its an  illusion . the ocean is inside me. the waves crushing is my heart beating, showing me im still alive. im  scared but something is telling me not to be. not this time. i feel safe.  i feel alone, so alone, and it feels  good.

the house is shacking. i love that feeling. nothing is stable. no safe ground to walk on. no safe thoughts. no safe feelings. my heart spoke to me today. my wall is falling down. i cant let that happen. and its still there. its not dead like i thought. i want to run. just leave everything here, open the door and run. but i cant move. im paralyzed. i cant feel my body. all i can hear is my heart beating. i want to cry. i want to scream. i want to laugh. i want to dance. i want to live.

happiness is waiting for me, for us, just around the corner. its right here. i can almost touch it. but the fear is much greater then my desire to being happy. when you dont have anything, you got nothing to lose. well, right now i got nothing. im petrified of having something. i lost too much in my life. im not sure i can take anymore. i feel like i gave up. im such a coward. when im here i feel better. being here with him reminds me im not alone. we may not be together the way you think, but we are together, we have been on this little boat since the beginning.  the same waves that are crushing him are crushing me as well. we share the same thoughts and same fears and same dreams. can we help each other? can we save each other? can we let go of years of pain? years of self protection and feel safe together? or be afraid together?

now i know why i crossed half a universe. to be with him. he makes me feel like home. something about him is very familiar. i know the sound of his voice. the little noises he makes. i know his smell. and yet i cant look at him. i cant look him in the eye. i know that if i would, my world will crush. my heart wont bare it.   when did i become so weak and afraid? i dont understand why i can go to new places, alone, explore, take risks, hurt myself, be honest with myself…. im so strong, but right now i feel so weak. i thank god he fell asleep. if he wakes up now i would cry. he wont understand. or maybe he would. he cant help me. no one can. its amazing how much pain we can carry with us from childhood. i guess some people are juts more sensitive then others. we are the artists. we walk in the streets just like you but our soul is wounded. we are bleeding but none of you offers to help.

i feel like writing for ever. i feel like if i’ll stop writing i will be alone again. right now this computer is all i have. my only friend. we communicate.  i tell him things no one else knows. he listens. im afraid of the darkness that will eat me alive when i shut this computer down. he is in the next room but feels so far. unreachable. we both have our little worlds and no one else is allowed in. is protecting ourselves really is more important then trying to be happy? i guess so.

i created a world of everything that is real. nature is real. god is real. there is nothing else in this world. no other people. no material things. i got no home. no roots. no family. no one i really care for. i love my world. nothing to lose in this world. took me years to build it. how can i let it go?

he also created his own world. he got himself totally isolated.  he lives in a virtual world. we have created the same world actually. nature. god. no people. no home. no family. no one to care for.

why am i here? how long am i going to stay here for? and then what?  i dont want to think about it. i want to just….. be.