the pain was sharp. at the level of her throat. it used to happen twice a week, but for the past six months it increased to an almost daily routine. most of the time it was a short pain that would go away in a few seconds. but sometimes the pain was bigger and lasted a longer time and even spread all the way to her heart and chest. the girl had a rule about medications. she never took them. she hated anything unnatural. she also hated doctors and never went even for an annual check.

but the pain started happening at the strangest times. watching the sunset. holding a baby in her arms. playing with a cat. holding her lovers hand. a pretty flower. the wind. meditating. a nice song. it was all too beautiful to bare. she couldnt take the pain anymore. so one day she decided to do the unthinkable and go see a doctor. he was nice. shook her hand and all. then she told him everything. he asked a few questions about her family and her sex life. the girl answered. he took a blood sample and sent her home. he asked her to come again in three days.

after two days he sent her an email asking her to come right away and bring a family member or a Friend with her. the girl was alone in a foreign country. she didnt know anyone there. what can it be? she hopped in the shower, got dressed and went to see her doctor. she felt nothing. she refused to think about it and what it can be. whatever it is she will handle it just like she did her entire life.

when she got there, a nice nurse asked her to sit and wait. offered her some water or coffee, the girl refused with a nod and a smile. the place was all white like it was just painted. was it this white before? she couldnt remember. after a few minutes the nurse came back, this time asking who was with me. i said i came alone. she looked….. upset? and left again leaving the girl alone with her thoughts. she waited for ever! then her new best friend, the nurse, told her to go right in the doctor was ready to see her.

he stood up when she came in and smiled offering her a chair. he made a small talk about the crazy weather, not knowing how much she hated small talks. after a few minutes the girl lost her patience and asked him straight whats wrong with her. he looked confused and was silent for a few minutes. 

the girl knew what it was. it was cancer. it had to be cancer. cancer was in her family. she asked god again and again to take her away. explaining him she had enough. telling him she cant take the pain anymore. maybe he heard her prayers. was she going home finally??

we looked at your blood test and its not good. the doctor was alive after all. he continued. i wish you had a family member with you it makes it so much easier. she looked at him trying to make him feel less bad. she loved alone. alone and her were best friends. alone was always with her. alone was there now by her side.

just tell me what it is the girl almost shouted. he looked at her and said, you have a heart failure. i have a heart failure? my heart is failing? she wanted to sound smart and asked, ha?? he explained. her respond again was, ha??? he tried again, blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah balh. blah blah blah, blah blah.  now english might be only a second language for her but this was NOT  english. this time to make sure he understand her confusion she yelled HA?????

your heart is not beating the way it should. every little excitement makes it speed up too much, which will make it stop beating soon.

how soon?

i cant really tell you. im guessing somewhere between 4 and 6 months.

and then what will happen??

your heart will stop.

and…..

you will die. a person cannot live without a beating heart.

right…..

im sorry im not sure what else to tell you. you waited too long. there is nothing i can do right now to help.

will it hurt?

no it wont. the best thing i can tell you at this point is to take it easy. rest and sleep a lot. dont do anything too exciting.

so its not cancer. its my heart. my heart. how did it happen? she always followed her heart. how can it be her heart?? she couldnt breath. she had to get out of there. she looked at him. is there anything else i need to know before i go?

you are young. too young for this. i dont usually say it, but try and get a second opinion, im only human. i checked many times of course but you never know….

thanks, i will do that. thank you for everything.

im sorry. wish there was something i could do.

its ok. you already did more then you think. you shook my hand and smiled. that warmed my heart. i thank you.

he smiled, got up and gave the girl a hug. she put her head on his chest and cried. and cried. and cried some more. the phone rang, she forced herself to stop and act like a grownup. she smiled and without another word, she was gone.

she didnt know what to do or where to go. she walked in the streets for hours. 4 to 6 months. she kept playing with that number. now what? well, at least now she wont have to deal with the question, should she become a mother or not. not an option anymore. also, no marriage in her future. who will marry a girl for 4 months? ok so what? going back home and spend her time with her family? die in her homeland? there were still a few places she wanted to see. like africa. and figi. what about her dream about becoming a yogi and live in a cave somewhere on the mountains of tibet? what about over coming her fears and sing in front of other people? she wanted to grow tomatoes. can she grow tomatoes in 4 months? how long does it take? what about the love of her life? should she spend the rest of the time with him? run a marathon? have some gelato in italy? what???

she got tired and sat down in the middle of the street confused. it was very close to her favorite time of the day. sunset time. the doctor said no excitement. she never listened to anyone before and she wasnt about to start now. she went straight to the beach and waited. it was beautiful. overwhelming. her heart couldnt take all that beauty. after a few minutes of pressure all she can do is cry. and thats what she did. she realized she might never celebrate her 28th birthday….

she looked at the sun going down. she knew that soon, she wont be able to see it anymore. only a few more sunsets left. will the sun miss her after she’s gone? will she notice the girls absence?

the girl decided to follow her heart one last time.

and so she did.